The Star Wars Crapuels & Craptacular Editions
by Dynamic-Villain
Summary: The Star Wars saga rewritten in a fun and crazy way - in screenplay format. Prepare yourselves for the arrival of the funniest SW parodies ever!
1. The Crapuels & Craptacular Editions

**Star Wars  
The Crapuels& The Craptacular Editions**

This is the Star Wars saga rewritten!  
By **Darth Sillyname, the Dynamic Villain**.  
2003, 2009

* * *

Every generation has its embarrassments...  
Every saga has its parody...  
Every fanboy has his issues...

A long time ago, in an insane galaxy filled with nonsense...

A vast sea of stars serves as the background for the title and the roll-up, which crawls into infinity, and then some...

For a really long time the Jedi Knights - guardians of bad taste and peace in the galaxy - had guarded bad taste and peace in the galaxy.  
But then the galaxy went into turmoil, because there was something with fake aliens, and taxes, and computer animation, and toys, and merchandize, and booty action, and whatever.

This somehow involved the young queen ImADalek of Nabooty, an annoying child named Annakiddie Skywalker, a bunch of idiot Jedi, a floppy eared cartoon character, a crack squad of teenage girls, Christopher Lee in a cape, deep mythological meanings, CG armies, Jimmy Smits, a little green Alien, Samuel L. Jackson, microscopic lifeforms, guys who looked like Boba Fett, Chewbacca, Artoo-Detoo, See-Threepio, Jabba The Hutt, Bib Fortuna, the well known planet Tatooine, conveniently placed generators, an emperor, a Death Star, and big explosions.

After three episodes of insanity - known as the Crapuels - it looked like the next three episodes, which had been made before the first three episodes, did not fit with those first three episodes, and so special editions were created - known as the Craptacular Editions; which involved Luke, Han, Leia, Darth Vader, the 21 steps of how to become a Jedi, Christopher Lee in a cape, deep mythological meanings, CG armies, Jimmy Smits, a little green Alien, Samuel L. Jackson, microscopic lifeforms, guys who looked like Boba Fett, Chewbacca, Artoo-Detoo, See-Threepio, Jabba The Hutt, Bib Fortuna, the well known planet Tatooine, conveniently placed generators, an emperor, a Death Star or two, and big explosions.

Only a lone fanboy with too much time on his hands could try to make sense of it all...

The first three episodes (chapters) cover the prequels, and are critical parodies. Everything that was wrong in the prequels will be attacked - with the power of humor!  
These are the **Crapuels**!

The last three episodes (chapters) cover the original trilogy, and are the originals rewritten to 'fit' the prequels in a crazy, fun way.  
These are the **Craptacular Editions**!

**The Episodes:**  
Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty  
Episode 2: Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot!  
Episode 3: A Very Big Explosion & Revenge Of The Very Big Explosion (Under Construction, stay tuned! I have finally continued working on this!)  
Episode 4: An Updated Hope  
Episode 5: Attack Of The Snow Clones  
Episode 6: The Sixth Episode

The episodes are presented in Screenplay format (more or less), so these are not complete stories.  
This makes these episodes easy and quick to read.

Now you shall read this. It is your destiny!

* * *

Note: if fanfiction net messes up the formatting of these stories (again), please let me know with a private message. If I don't forget to check my old email account, I might see it and fix things (again).

Now have fun :)


	2. The Crapuels, Episode 1: The Perils Of Q...

By Darth Sillyname, The Dynamic Villain

Based on The Star Wars Prequels,  
By George Lucas

October 2003, November 2009

* * *

Every executive producer needs more money...  
Every effects firm needs more work...  
Every franchise needs a prequel...

A longer time ago than the time ago from the episodes that were made before this one...

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

A vast sea of stars serves as the background for the title and the roll-up, which crawls into infinity; the empty void where this movie was created...

**STAR WARS**

**EPISODE I**

**THE PERILS OF QUEEN IMADALEK OF NABOOTY**

The galaxy is in turmoil. The Galactic Senate has put a tax on trade-routes and the greedy Licensing Federation has blockaded the planet Nabooty. Sounds boring, but maybe we can fit some lightsaber action in there somewhere.  
While everybody debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights,  
guardians of bad taste in the Galaxy, to debate this alarming chain of events...

PAN DOWN

Through a vast sea of stars to reveal nothing very exciting.  
Just some spaceships.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, CONFERENCE ROOM

Two Jedi Knights are led into a conference room by a protocol droid - NOT C-3PO.

OBI-WAN  
I've got a bad feeling about this.

QUI-GON  
It's just a conference room. You'll have to get used to conference rooms in this Trilogy, Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN  
Not about this room, master. It's something else...more digital.  
Floppy eared...with a silly voice...

QUI-GON  
Don't worry. George Lucas will not let us down after all these years.

OBI-WAN  
But Master Yoda says I should be mindful of overuse of CGI.

QUI-GON  
Yoda didn't train you. I did.

OBI-WAN  
Isn't that inconsistent?

QUI-GON  
No. Yoda instructed you, remember? He simply gave you some instructions at some point.

OBI-WAN  
That's a bit weak.

QUI-GON  
Get used to it.

OBI-WAN  
Do you think this Licensing guy will agree with the Chancellor's demands?

QUI-GON  
I don t know what the hell is going on. Something with taxes or something?

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE

On the bridge a bunch of aliens and CG droids are creating turmoil for the galaxy.

ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram)  
Kill those Jedi, and invade Nabooty. I will make it legal.

FAKE ALIEN #1 (insulting accent)  
Won't anyone come looking for the Jedi? And how can you make an invasion legal?

ROTJ EMPEROR  
Silence! I will deal with any plot holes myself!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, CONFERENCE ROOM

Obi and Qui are drinking.

OBI-WAN  
I hope they won't try to kill us. These drinks could have been poisoned!

QUI-GON  
Those guys are cowards, and besides, this is just a trivial trade dispute. Nothing serious.

OBI-WAN  
Then why is the galaxy in turmoil and why is the Senate endlessly debating this alarming chain of events?

QUI-GON  
You talk too much, Obi-Wan. From now on you will let me do most of the talking, and you will stay off screen most of the time, my inexperienced apprentice!

OBI-WAN  
Yes, master...

Then turmoil engulfs the scene! The Jedi start kicking CG droid booty with their glowing sticks!

OBI-WAN  
Aha! The good stuff!

CG DROID  
Roger, roger!

OBI-WAN  
Who?

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE

The Federation guys receive a message from Queen ImADalek of Nabooty herself.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
At last Queen ImADalek herself speaks to us. You look like a clown, Your Highness.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I have only instigated this booty call to inform you that this blockade will end now. Senator Palpatine says so.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Palpatine? Wasn't that the name of the evil Emperor in the Original Trilogy? That's the guy we've been talking to! We figured that secret out fast!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Whatever. I will never agree to your demands, even if you spank my booty all night long.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Fine, we won't try that then.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
No, it's okay to try. You can always try!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Oh, come on. We only want the merchandizing rights to your franchise.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I will never allow you to take over our action figure business. There isn't a fiber in my tight booty that would even consider it!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HALLWAY

Obi and Qui encounter transforming droids!

OBI-WAN  
Transformers!

QUI-GON  
There is more than meets the eye to this conflict!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HANGAR

Obi and Qui watch thousands of CG droids getting put in transports.

QUI-GON  
It's a digital army. We must warn the Model Makers Of Nabooty.

OBI-WAN  
You were right about one thing, master. Lucas has not let us down!

QUI-GON (forboding)  
Not yet...

They stow away on the ships that are going to invade Nabooty.

EXT. NABOOTY, SWAMP - DAY

Once on the planet's surface, Qui and Obi meet a digital, floppy eared alien with a silly voice.

QUI-GON  
Your instincts have served you well, Obi-Wan.

JAR JAR  
Hellodioo!

Obi-Wan, disgusted by this horrible thing, whips out his glowing stick and CUTS the creature in half!

OBI-WAN  
I've always wanted to do that!

But oh dear...the creature is digital, and is soon cut-and pasted back together.

OBI-WAN  
What is this digital menace?

JAR JAR  
Mesa am Jar Jar Stinks. Mesa am annoying!

OBI-WAN  
Master, this thing looks and acts like a cross between Daffy Duck and Goofy. What's it doing in a Star Wars movie?

QUI-GON  
We must get to the bottom of this mystery.

JAR JAR  
Bottom youssa say? Follow me!

Jar Jar leads them to the bottom of a lake, where they find an underwater city.

INT. CG UNDERWATER CITY

Obi, Qui, and Jar are brought before more silly CG aliens: the Dungans. They meet Boss Nass.  
Nass means 'wet' in German, and Boss Nass lives under water, which is wet, and he spits a lot, so he's wet, so that's pretty funny.

QUI-GON  
No, it's not.

BOSS NASS  
Youssa suck.

QUI-GON  
How do you know that? Have we met before?!

OBI-WAN  
The Dungans and the Nabooties form a symbiotic circle. Whatever happens to one affects the other.  
You must work together and stuff.

BOSS NASS  
Wasse this? Unne After School Special?!

QUI-GON  
Yes Obi-Wan, really! Cut the 'important message' stuff. It's annoying.

BOSS NASS  
Wesa no like da Nabooty. They think their booties are so fine.

QUI-GON  
I'll do a mindtrick.

OBI-WAN  
What's a mindtrick?

QUI-GON  
Wait three episodes and you'll find out.

The mindtrick works, and the three guys are on their way through the planet's core!

INT. SUB (UNDERWATER)

The three heroes navigate the salty seas.

OBI-WAN  
Why did we bring Jar Jar with us? He sucks!

QUI-GON  
He could be important for the plot later.

OBI-WAN  
I seriously doubt that!

QUI-GON  
The Force will lead us to the next scenes.

JAR JAR  
Wasse is da Force anyways?

QUI-GON  
Wait three episodes and Obi-Wan will tell us.

Oh no! The sub is attacked by a monster!  
Then the monster is attacked by another monster!  
Then another monster attacks the sub!  
Then that monster is attacked by the second monster!

QUI-GON  
There's always room for more pointless digital effects.

EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, PALACE - DAY

The Licensing Federation has taken over Thong City, the capital of Nabooty!

INT. NABOOTY PALACE - DAY

Queen ImADalek and her naughty handmaidens and guards are captured!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Captain Boring! You have failed to protect me! Your booty must be spanked!

HANDMAIDENS  
Yes! Yes! Spank him! Spank him!

CAPTAIN BORING  
I should have never agreed to work for these Nabooty freaks...

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Now you will sign a treaty that will make all this legal, and you will hand your action figure empire over to us!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
You would have to savagely abuse me and my handmaidens to achieve that!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
We can't do that! You are under-age.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I'm fourteen. That's old enough in many places.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
But not to show it on screen. It's illegal.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I will make it legal. I am the queen after all.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
No, really, we can't.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
We can pretend I'm a petite eighteen year old.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
No, seriously. Stop it. You'll get us in trouble!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Come on! You can tackle us single handedly!

HANDMAIDENS  
Yes! Yes! Let him tackle us single handedly!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
No way. This movie is for all ages.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Ah, sith!

Deprived of booty action, the Nabooty queen and her entourage are led away by CG droids.

EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, PALACE - DAY

Qui and Obi attack the CG droids and cut them in half!  
The queen and her friends are safe!

JAR JAR  
Muy, muy, wesa have seen da droid cutting before in earlier scenes!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Wow! Those Jedi sure know how to handle their sabers! Our booties may get lucky!

HANDMAIDENS  
Hurray!

QUI-GON  
Be mindful of the here and now, Obi-Wan. These Nabooty girls are naughty. I sense they may want to get freaky with us.

OBI-WAN  
So?

QUI-GON  
You can't let that happen. It is not the way of the Jedi.

OBI-WAN  
Now you tell me!

QUI-GON  
Make sure to tell this to any future apprentice of yours. Should a Jedi apprentice be seduced by the Power Of Booty the galaxy will be drenched in evil!

OBI-WAN  
I'll remember, but is it okay to pinch their booties?

QUI-GON  
Yes, that is the traditional Nabooty greeting.

Obi-Wan pinches Captain Boring's booty.

CAPTAIN BORING  
I knew it.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Oh brave Jedi Knights, we are grateful and turned on!  
I am Queen ImADalek of Nabooty, and these are my Naughty Royal Handmaidens:  
PetMe , UseMe , SpankMe , SlapMe , HurtMe , WhipMe , ChokeMe , DoMe , and Ginger.  
Whatever your plans are, their services are at your disposal, day and night, for only 19 Republic Credits 95 a month, for both dial-up and broad-band connections.

QUI-GON  
We are honored to serve and protect you, Your Highness.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Excellent. I expect you to throw yourself at me and cover me with your big, masculine body.

QUI-GON  
Should anything dangerous happen, I will.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
No, I expect you to throw yourself at me and cover me with your big, masculine body! Screw danger!

SIO BIBLICAL  
I guess the negotiations have failed.

QUI-GON  
What negotiations? I thought we were sent here to settle the conflict, not to negotiate!

SIO BIBLICAL  
Go to the CG capital, my Bootyliscious Queen. I will handle things here.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
How? They're probably going to execute you. Oh well...

Remarkably, and to Qui-Gon's surprise, ImADalek seems unsure what to do in this time of crisis...hmm.  
She turns to PetMe , her most boring handmaiden, seeking advice.

PETME  
We are horny, Your Bootylisciousness.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
You're right. We must leave and somehow get some booty-action.

INT. NABOOTY PALACE, HANGAR - DAY

Qui-Gon and the others enter the hangar, where the queen's ship is parked. Some pilots are being guarded by CG droids.

OBI-WAN  
That ship looks like a spy plane from a galaxy not so far away, from a time not so long ago...

CG DROID  
Stop. Do. You. Wish. To. Engage. In. Stilted. Dialogue. Question. Mark.

QUI-GON  
I'm taking these people to Metropolis, our CG capital.

CG DROID  
Where. Are. You. Taking. Them. Question. Mark.

QUI-GON  
To Metropolis. I just said that. Pay attention, stupid!

CG DROID  
Uhm. Metropolis. Not. Coruscant. That. Does. Not. Compute. Uhm. You. Are. Under. Arrest. Exclamation. Mark.

The CG droid looks around, but the place is empty, except for some droids that have been cut in half - again.  
Our heroes have already flown away in their SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser.

EXT. SPACE

The SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser speeds away from Nabooty!

INT. SR-71, COCKPIT

Captain Obvious pilots the ship straight towards a bunch of Licensing Federation ships.

QUI-GON  
Are you stupid? You can fly anywhere, and instead of flying through a piece of empty space, you're heading straight towards those ships!

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, there are the laserbeams!

The ship is hit by laserbeams!

OBI-WAN  
We're losing fans fast!

Then the shields are fixed.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, that little droid did it!

They're safe!

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, the hyperdrive is leaking!

QUI-GON  
We can go to Tatooine. I know it well. I have seen it many times in the Original Trilogy.

OBI-WAN  
Can't we go to some totally new and interesting location? Tatooine is so unoriginal.

QUI-GON  
Get used to it.

CAPTAIN BORING  
You can't take her Royal Booty to Tatooine! The gangsters who live there could enslave her and do wicked, depraved things to her and her handmaidens!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Full speed to Tatooine!

INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM

Queen ImADalek sits on her throne. Captain Boring and the Jedi and the handmaidens stand around the place. A familiar looking droid is also present.

CAPTAIN BORING  
An extremely well put together little droid.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
What's your name?

Artoo whistles.

CAPTAIN BORING  
He can only speak in beeps and whistles.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
The same way your men speak to my handmaidens.

Captain Boring checks the droid's serial-number.

CAPTAIN BORING  
It's name is Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2).

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Sounds familiar. Are you the same R2-D2 who was in the Original Trilogy?

Artoo beeps 'yes'.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
What a coincidence!  
PetMe, you boring bitch, be a good servant and clean this droid. Spit shine his knobs and wipe him clean by rubbing your booty furiously against him.

PetMe, the most inexperienced and boring of the Naughty Royal Handmaidens, moves forward with a submissive expression on her face.

PETME  
Yes, my mistress.

PetMe and Artoo go away to get some privacy.

QUI-GON  
Now that your most boring handmaiden has left the room perhaps we can get down to business.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I thought you'd never say that!  
Handmaidens: Music!

Music starts playing and the remaining handmaidens start gyrating their booties and bouncing up and down to the hypnotic tune.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Yeah baby, yeah! Shake that booty! Booty! Shake ya booty!

Just as the girls start taking off their clothes, Qui-Gon uses the Awesome Power Of The Force to stop the music!

QUI-GON  
In the name of all that is holy, please stop! We Jedi must not be seduced by the Power of Booty!  
Control your sensual teenage girls before all is lost!

OBI-WAN  
Too late!

Obi-Wan throws himself onto Captain Boring.

QUI-GON  
Down, boy! Down!

Obi-Wan relaxes.

CAPTAIN BORING  
Phew. That was close.

QUI-GON  
Now that we have successfully withstood the Seduction Of Booty we can concentrate our powers on this merchandising crisis. We're going to Tatooine.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
What's Tatooine like?

QUI-GON  
Haven't you seen the Original Trilogy?

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Oh yes, of course. The ones with that green alien that tried to shoot that guy, and then horribly missed, and then got shot himself.

QUI-GON  
No. I mean the ORIGINAL Original Trilogy. The ones where the alien didn't get a chance to shoot first.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
How many versions of this fabled Trilogy exist, oh wise Master Jedi?

QUI-GON  
How many alternate universes are there in this multiverse of ours?

QUEEN IMADALEK  
An infinite number perhaps.

QUI-GON  
Then you have your answer...

INT. SR-71, ANOTHER ROOM

PetMe is cleaning Artoo when Jar Jar scares the bejeezus out of her!

JAR JAR  
Booo!

PETME  
Aaah! Are you a Dungan?

JAR JAR  
Yes, of course. Stupid girl. Youssa live on Nabooty and youssa don't even know was unne Dungan looks like?!

PETME  
How did you get here?

JAR JAR  
Funny story. Mesa was scrounging for some mushrooms and boomsa! Da Jedi and da CG droids runna me over!

PETME  
You got any of those mushrooms with you? Can I have some?

JAR JAR  
Sure thinga! Why elsa do youssa think mesa talka so weirdo?

The trip to Tatooine and pure bliss continues...

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE

Meanwhile the Licensing Federation guys are discussing the alarming chain of events with the holographic guy from an earlier scene.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
The queen is gone! Her booty is firmer than we thought!

ROTJ EMPEROR  
Not for a mysterious evil guy with a red glowing stick.

A new figure enters the hologram.

ROTJ EMPEROR  
This is Lord Silent. He will find your missing ship.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
How are you, mister Silent?

DARTH SILENT  
...

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Uhm...

ROTJ EMPEROR  
Lord Silent is silent, but deadly.

The hologram fades.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Now there are two of them!

FAKE ALIEN #2  
We should have simply spanked those teen girls.

EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - DAY

The SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser lands on Tatooine.

INT. SR-71, ENGINE ROOM

Qui-Gon checks on Obi-Wan, who is fiddling with the Hyperdrive.

OBI-WAN  
The Hyperdrive is leaking. We need a new one.

QUI-GON  
This should make the plot more interesting.

OBI-WAN  
Be mindful, I sense a disturbance.

QUI-GON  
Is it the Dark Side?

OBI-WAN  
No, it's disturbing that our quest for a space-ship part will take up a big portion of the first Star Wars movie in many years!

QUI-GON  
Get used to it.

OBI-WAN  
So I'll go with you on an adventure then?

QUI-GON  
No, I'm the star. Get used to it.  
Besides, you have to stay here and protect the queen and her handmaidens.  
They are all luscious, ludicrously attractive, scantily clad, bisexual virgin girls in the ages 14 to 18; blossoming like wild flowers; flying through the rocky years of puberty at the speed of light; craving attention and booty-action.  
Protect them with all you've got.  
Throw your body on top of them if you have to. Stay awake and vigilant.  
The hours will be long and the mission will be hard, but you must persevere and never let down your guard. If they try anything that could endanger the mission, be sure to give them a proper spanking. That is their tradition. This is a great responsibility, Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan?!

Obi-Wan lies passed-out on the floor.

EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - DAY

Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, and Artoo set out towards a settlement.  
Captain Boring and PetMe stop them.

CAPTAIN BORING  
Wait! Her Royal Booty commands that this boring and stiff handmaiden comes with you. She is interested in the mating habits of the local population. Besides, PetMe was spoiling the atmosphere on board the ship with her monotone whining.

QUI-GON  
This is a bad idea. The aliens out there are weird and dangerous.

PETME  
Don't worry. I like tentacle porn.

JAR JAR  
Dissen suns do murder to da skin.  
Mesa am gonna die!

QUI-GON  
That's the plan.

EXT. TATOOINE, TUNESIA - DAY

The group arrives in a town.

QUI-GON  
Cut-Scene Farmers and some Original Trilogy tribes for the most part.  
Places like these are a save-haven for those who don't want to be found.

PETME  
Why don't they just hide in a deleted scene?

They enter a used parts shop.

INT. WATTO'S SHOP

Watto, a flying CG alien, greets the new visitors.

WATTO  
How can I be of service to the plot?

QUI-GON  
I need an ultra-super-duper sophisticated-modern-high-tech hyperdrive engine.

WATTO  
I think I've got one outside rusting in the suns, together with the other junk. And I'm the only one who has the parts you need!

PETME  
Wow. This is the first shop we check out, and this is the only one that has what we need. What a coincidence!

While Watto and Qui-Gon go outside, a young boy observes PetMe.

ANAKIDDIE  
Are you dead?

PETME  
Why do you say that?

ANAKIDDIE  
You're so stiff and lifeless and boring.

PETME  
You're a dirty little slave.

ANAKIDDIE  
I'm an important character, and my name is Anakiddie!

PETME  
I'm sorry, I'm new to all this. I'm only used to hanging out with luscious, ludicrously attractive, scantily clad, bisexual virgin girls in the ages 14 to 18, who blossom like wild flowers, and who fly through the rocky years of puberty at the speed of light, craving attention and booty-action.

ANAKIDDIE  
Sounds wizard! Can I get some booty action?

PETME  
You're too young. Wait ten years and we'll see.

ANAKIDDIE  
Damn.

Meanwhile Jar Jar tries some slapstick.

ANAKIDDIE  
Give it up, dude. It requires talent.

EXT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

Qui-Gon and Watto haggle over the hyperdrive.

QUI-GON  
I'll give you ten thousand Republic Credits.

WATTO  
Republic Credits are no good out here. I need something more real, like local currency.  
Go to a bank or something and exchange it, then come back.

QUI-GON  
That would be too difficult.  
(mindtricking)  
But Republic Credits will do fine.

WATTO  
No, they won't! What are you doing?

QUI-GON  
It's a mindtrick.

WATTO  
What's that?

QUI-GON  
It's explained in Episode 4.

WATTO  
Whatever. Those kinds of things don't work on Toydarians like me.

QUI-GON  
I thought they only didn't work on strong-minded individuals. I guess you learn something new every day.

WATTO  
Whatever. Only toy sales figures work with Toydarians.

Unable to strike a deal, Qui-Gon and the others leave.

WATTO  
What a bunch of idiots. They need a better writer.

ANAKIDDIE  
The girl was nice.  
(foreshadowing)  
If only I could have her booty.  
the galaxy would never be the same again...

EXT. TATOOINE, TUNESIA - DAY

Qui-Gon contacts Obi-Wan to see if they've got anything to trade.

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
Just some of the queen's wardrobe perhaps. Some whips and toys...

QUI-GON  
That won't be enough.

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
What if we just sell all those nameless guards, pilots and handmaidens as slaves? It's not like they're doing anything.

QUI-GON  
The plot may require them later in some action scenes near the end of the movie.

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
Then what are they doing here now, tagging along with the important characters?

QUI-GON  
I don't know. Get used to it.

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
Is there anything I can do? I am the legendary Obi-Wan Kenobi after all!

QUI-GON  
No. I'm the star, remember? Get used to it.

Meanwhile Jar Jar gets into trouble with another CG alien!  
Anakiddie saves him!

QUI-GON  
Stupid boy! We had almost gotten rid of that annoying character!

ANAKIDDIE  
Come home with me. Sandstorms are very dangerous, plus it's been a while since I invited strange old guys over to my place.

INT. SKYWALKER HOME, MAIN ROOM - DAY

Anakiddie has invited the heroes over to his place, where they meet his mother: Shmut Skywalker.

SHMUT  
Anakiddie! How many times have I told you: Do not invite strange old men over without my approval!

QUI-GON  
You have a very special son. He gives without taking.

SHMUT  
Well, this time we're charging by the hour!

INT. SKYWALKER HOME, ANAKIDDIE'S ROOM - DAY

Anakiddie shows PetMe his bedroom and his droid.

ANAKIDDIE  
I built my own droid. His name is See-Threepio (C-3PO).

PETME  
That name sounds familiar. Are you the same C-3PO who was in the Original Trilogy?

C-3PO  
Yes.

PETME  
What an amazing coincidence! So what are you doing in this episode?

C-3PO  
Nothing really. I'm just here.

PETME  
Oh, okay...

INT. SKYWALKER HOME, MAIN ROOM - EVENING

They're all having diner.

ANAKIDDIE  
Are you a Jedi? Only a Jedi is stupid enough to use a glowing stick instead of something more effective like a blaster-repeater rifle.

QUI-GON  
I see there is no kidding you. We are on a special super secret mission, but I guess we can tell you. After all, we don't really know you. We need some money so we can fly away and save the galaxy from evil.

SHMUT  
Have you tried putting your glowing stick at Watto's throat and forcing him to give up the parts you need?

QUI-GON  
No. That would be unethical.

PETME  
I only see one solution. The naughty handmaidens must set up business near the spaceship docks and pleasure the needy space travelers for money.

QUI-GON  
No. That would be immoral. If only I could bet a slave on a podrace...

ANAKIDDIE  
I made the fastest podracer in the galaxy from spare parts and junk! I could fly it and you could bet on me!

SHMUT  
Anakiddie, no! It's too dangerous!

ANAKIDDIE  
Please, mom. You always say that the biggest problem in this galaxy is that nobody helps each other.  
There is a lesson to be learnt here.

QUI-GON  
Oh no, the After-School-Special stuff again...

SHMUT  
Yeah, okay. My nine year old slave son was meant to help a bunch of strangers earn some money, because he's a half-god or something.

PETME  
Wow! That's stupid! You need help!

QUI-GON  
I think we are all forgetting something important. This house is pretty small. We'll have to share rooms tonight. Who's going to sleep with who?

ANAKIDDIE  
Can't you just go back to your ship? The sandstorm has died down!

QUI-GON  
Shut up kid. I was thinking I could sleep with your mom. She's a bit worn out, but still acceptable.

Then Jar Jar sticks out his mighty long tongue to grab some food. Everybody is amazed.

PETME  
You're sleeping with me tonight!

SHMUT  
You're sleeping with me tonight!

PETME  
I said it first!

SHMUT  
Damn.

JAR JAR  
Muy, muy! Mesa gonna get lucky!

QUI-GON  
Don't do that again. You make me feel inferior.

INT. SR-71, ANOTHER ROOM

Obi-Wan receives a call from Qui-Gon.

QUI-GON (V.O)  
Obi-Wan, I need a midichlorian count.

OBI-WAN  
What's that?

QUI-GON (V.O)  
I'm not sure. It probably has something to do with the Force.  
Let's just do it. I have activated the Ladyshave Of Transmission and I'm sending the data to you.

OBI-WAN  
How do I measure those midiwhattians?

QUI-GON (V.O)  
Every space ship has standard equipment to test for this kind of stuff.

OBI-WAN  
That's very convenient. Okay...here it comes. Wow! That's a high count! What does it mean?

QUI-GON (V.O)  
I have absolutely no idea. First we have to figure out what those midichlorians are. If only we could track down the writer of this stuff...

EXT. METROPOLIS, SECRET EVIL PLACE - NIGHT

The ROTJ Emperor and Darth Silent discuss their strategy.

ROTJ EMPEROR  
How are you going to find them?

DARTH SILENT  
...

ROTJ EMPEROR  
It's just us now. It's okay to talk. Don't be shy.

DARTH SILENT  
Oh, okay. I will use the SSSTTT: the Super Secret Sith Transmission Tracking Trick.  
It involves an early draft, rewriting, and forgetting to fix it all. Possibly some delete scenes here and there as well.

ROTJ EMPEROR  
Excellent. Nobody will notice. Kill the Jedi first, then go after the queen. Concentrate on her booty, she will not be able to resist.

DARTH SILENT  
At last we will reveal our new merchandize to the fanboys, at last we will make another billion dollars!

EXT. TATOOINE, SKYWALKER HOME - MORNING

Anakiddie; Jar Jar; a tired, but satisfied PetMe; Artoo; and Threepio are working on Anakiddie's podracer.

JAR JAR  
My tongue is numb...

PETME (tired, but satisfied)  
It was worth it.

Qui-Gon joins Shmut.

QUI-GON  
Good morning, sleepy head. You were so tired after last night.

SHMUT  
Do you love me now? Will you free me and take me away from here?

QUI-GON  
Hell no!

SHMUT  
Damn! They all say that!

QUI-GON  
Who was Anakiddie's father?

SHMUT  
I'm not sure. I was so drunk that night, and Watto had loaned me out to those space pirates...I have no idea what happened!

QUI-GON  
Hmm, this could be mythological...

INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM

Meanwhile, the people on board the Royal Nabooty Star Ship receive an urgent message from Sio Biblical.

SIO BIBLICAL (V.O)  
(hologram)  
We need your help! The Licensing Federation is depriving us of booty action. The frustration toll is catastrophic. You must contact us with a webcam and voice-chat, My Bootyliscious Queen!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Spank me silly and call me BangBang! We must do something!

OBI-WAN  
It's a trick. Do not respond. Do not dress up like a webcam girl and engage in virtual booty-action, or all may be lost.

EXT. TATOOINE, PODRACE PLACE - DAY

Everybody is preparing for the podrace.

ANAKIDDIE  
This time I will not only finish a race, I will even win!

PETME  
He's never even finished a race?! And we're betting on this kid?

QUI-GON  
No, of course not. I'm betting AGAINST him. He's going to be splattered against a rock when this is over.

EXT. TATOOINE, PODRACE PLACE - LATER

Jabba the Hutt and Bib Fortuna are there to start the race.

PETME  
Are you the same Jabba and Bib from the Original Trilogy?

BIB  
Yes.

PETME  
What a coincidence.

JABBA  
Hohoho! My cameo is a success!

SHMUT  
I'm a bit concerned about Anakiddie's chances. There are many talented cartoon characters participating in this race.

TWO-HEADED CARTOON CHARACTER  
And the race has started!

EXT. TATOOINE, PODRACE PLACE - 20 MINUTES LATER

The race is over. Anakiddie has won!

ANAKIDDIE  
Hey! Wake up everybody! I've won!

QUI-GON  
Oh, damn! I've lost!

Thankfully Qui-Gon let Jar Jar place the bet, and Jar Jar is a complete idiot, so he actually bet on Anakiddie winning the race, so they've won a lot of money after all!

QUI-GON  
The Force is with us.

JAR JAR  
More lika da luck.

QUI-GON  
The Force, luck... It's all the same.

SHMUT  
Oh, Anakiddie! You gave hope to those who have none!

PETME  
Please! Nobody talks to their nine year old son like that! Get some help!

PetMe turns to Anakiddie.

PETME  
Oh, Anakiddie! We owe you everything!

ANAKIDDIE  
Can I play with your booty now?

PETME  
No. It's too bad you're so young.  
If you were, say... fourteen, we could actually have some real chemistry. Now it's all pretty pointless and worthless.

ANAKIDDIE  
Damn.

QUI-GON  
Pack your things, Anakiddie. We're leaving. I placed a bet and now you're free. Your mother will have to stay here, because a pod is only worth one slave.  
I've also sold the pod, so your mom will have some money.

ANAKIDDIE  
Can't we buy my mom's freedom with the money you got for the pod?  
After all, a pod is worth a slave.

QUI-GON  
That would be too complicated.  
Let's just leave your mother behind and never look back. That is the way of the Jedi.

ANAKIDDIE  
This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, but okay. Bye mom! Bye Threepio!

PETME  
Don't worry, Shmut! As soon as this crisis is over, we'll send someone over with some money to free you...unless we're too busy of course.

INT. SR-71, ENGINE ROOM

Qui-Gon has delivered the new hyperdrive to Obi-Wan.

QUI-GON  
Does it work?

OBI-WAN  
No! It's the wrong one! We need a THX-1138 engine. The one you got is a DB-327!

QUI-GON  
Oh, damn.

EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT

Many days and many bargains, deals, bets, mindtricks and discussions later, the correct hyperdrive is finally installed and Qui-Gon and Anakiddie are running towards the SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser.

ANAKIDDIE  
Master Qui-Gon, wait! Why are we running?!

QUI-GON  
We're running away from a deleted scene!

Then Darth Silent ATTACKS!

QUI-GON  
You cheat! You use plot-holes to find us!

DARTH SILENT  
...

QUI-GON  
You want to say something?

DARTH SILENT  
...

Confused, Qui-Gon gets on board the ship and flies away.

INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM

OBI-WAN  
What was that?

QUI-GON  
Something silent and deadly. Obi-Wan Kenobi, meet Anakiddie Skywalker. I want this boy to be a Jedi, so I'm going to train him.

OBI-WAN  
Hang on! I was supposed to find him and train him! This isn't fair!

QUI-GON  
Get used to it.

INT. SR-71, ANOTHER ROOM

While the shiny Nabooty cruiser is heading towards Metropolis, PetMe checks on little Anakiddie, who sits in a corner, quietly weeping...

PETME  
What's wrong little Anakiddie?

ANAKIDDIE  
I want booty-action...and oh yeah, I miss my mother.

PETME  
Get used to it.

ANAKIDDIE  
What about your parents? Aren't you worried about them? After all, the Licensing Federation has taken over your planet.

PETME  
I have parents?! I didn't know that! I thought I was an orphan or something.

ANAKIDDIE  
I think they're supposed to show up in the next episode, or else in the episode after that.

PETME  
Wow! I'd love to meet them some day.

ANAKIDDIE  
Here, I made you this necklace from a piece of wood. It's very valuable, because there isn't a lot of wood on Tatooine. It's a desert planet and all. I hope you will wear it and remember me.

PETME  
Thanks, but I don't like the color, so I'll just throw it away later.

EXT. METROPOLIS - LATER

At last the SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser has reached Metropolis.

INT. SR-71, COCKPIT

Captain Obvious and Anakiddie are in the cockpit.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, there is Metropolis, the CG capital of the galaxy! The entire planet is one big digital effect! And look, there is the Supreme Chancellor's shuttle! And look, there is senator Palpatine! And look, there are some speeders and spaceships! And look, there are some clouds! And look, there are some more digital effects!

ANAKIDDIE  
Wow! It's so digital!

EXT. METROPOLIS, LANDING PLATFORM - DAY

Queen ImADalek meets Palpatine and Supreme Chancellor Valium.

VALIUM  
I'm so happy to see you in person, Your Bootyliscious Highness, after downloading your naughty pictures from the internet.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Perhaps we can get some booty action going on later, Supreme Chancellor. First I must get my booty waxed and then we must deal with this Merchandizing crisis.

PALPATINE  
What's all this trade and tax stuff about anyway?

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I hope we will find that out in some of the upcoming scenes.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - TWILIGHT

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stand before the Jedi Council, which consists of weird aliens and Samuel L. Jackson.

QUI-GON  
...My only conclusion can be that it was a Sith Lord.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
A Sith what is?

CONEHEAD  
Didn't they go extinct a thousand years ago?

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
An extinct species it is then? Animals or something?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
We will use all our resources to uncover this mystery of just what the hell a Sith is.

QUI-GON  
I've also encountered a vergence in the Force.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
A vergence you say?

CONEHEAD  
What's a vergence?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
We will use all our dictionaries to uncover this mystery of just what the hell a vergence is.

QUI-GON  
It's got to do with this annoying boy. He has the highest midichlorian count ever.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Midichlorians what are?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
We will use a bunch of resources to uncover this mystery of those midi-things.

QUI-GON  
Good. I think these midichlorians are his father or something.

CONEHEAD  
That's just stupid.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
You refer to the prophecy of the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force?

QUI-GON  
Uhm, no, but that's actually much better than what I had come up with.  
Okay, yeah, it's that prophecy thing!

OBI-WAN  
If Anakiddie is some kind of chosen one, why didn't we get any of that in the Original Trilogy?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
We will have to use at least part of our resources to uncover this mystery of inconsistency.

QUI-GON  
I want to train Anakiddie as my Padawan.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
A Padawan, what is?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Dictionary!

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Besides, Qui-Gon... Obi-Wan was supposed to want to train Anakiddie, was he not?

CONEHEAD  
The Original Trilogy says so.

OBI-WAN  
That's what I told him!

QUI-GON  
The Force works in mysterious ways, my Masters...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (sighs)  
Bring him before us then.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Yes, yes! Before us you will bring him, before tired of this crap we will be.

INT. THE QUEEN'S HOTEL ROOM - TWILIGHT

Anakiddie enters the queen's hotel room, where he finds the handmaidens doing some depraved fanboy's fantasy stuff with the queen's booty.

ANAKIDDIE  
No! You can't do that! It's unnatural!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Yeah bitches! More! More!  
Hey! Who is that peeking?

SPANKME  
Eet ees Aanaakeen Skyewolker, Yooaar Haineess.

ANAKIDDIE  
Aren't you Sophia Copola, who is already a more talented filmmaker than George Lucas has ever been?

SPANKME  
Noo. Ai eem juusst ae haindmeeden.

ANAKIDDIE  
Why do you talk so funny?

SPANKME  
Becoosse Ai aaam ae terribal octress.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
What do you want, Anakiddie? My booty is busy.

ANAKIDDIE  
I've come to say goodbye to PetMe.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I've send her out to get some booty wax, but I'll tell her, and then I'll spank her silly for not taking the time to say goodbye to you.

EXT. JEDI TEMPLE, BALCONY - LATER

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon look at a CG sunset.

OBI-WAN  
This episode will not get the approval of the fans, Master. It's just not good enough.

QUI-GON  
You still have much to learn about fanboy delusion, my young apprentice.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - EVENING

Anakiddie is being tested by the Jedi Council.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Displayed on Sam's little screen what is?

ANAKIDDIE  
A ship, a speeder, two girls, one cup, another ship...

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Very good.

ANAKIDDIE  
Yeah. I could see it reflected in the window behind you.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Oh, damn. On to next test we shall go then. How feel you?

ANAKIDDIE  
Cold. Could you turn the heat up?

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Not good this is. Miss your mother, you do?

ANAKIDDIE  
Yeah, I mean... I left her behind in slavery. That's not so cool.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Not good at all this is! Much fear I sense in you.

ANAKIDDIE  
Well, all those weird aliens are pretty scary to a nine year old boy.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Nine you say? Nine years old you are?!

ANAKIDDIE  
Yeah. So what?

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Too old he is! Yes! Too damn old!

ANAKIDDIE  
What are you talking about?

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Train you we can not. Go back home you can. Waisted your time, you have here.

ANAKIDDIE (angry)  
What the...!

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Much anger I sense in you.

ANAKIDDIE (angry)  
I'm not surprised!  
You guys take me away from my mother, bring me here to the other side of the galaxy, test me, give me loads of hope, and then you tell me I'm too old?! Couldn't you have asked my age first?! That would have saved a lot of time!

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
A bad feeling, I have about this one...

INT. METROPOLIS, GALACTIC SENATE

A freshly booty-waxed Queen ImADalek and senator Palpatine visit the awesome digital galactic senate.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Hey! That senator looks like E.T. Are you the same E.T. as from that movie?

SENATOR E.T.  
Yes.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Wow. What a coincidence.

PALPATINE  
Be careful, this Senate is corrupt and the bureaucrats are on the payroll of the Licensing Federation.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Okay. Should we ever capture those Federation guys who have invaded my planet we will send them here to receive the punishment they deserve.

PALPATINE  
Stupid bitch.

VALIUM  
This Senate is now in session. The chair recognizes the senator from Nabooty: the secretly evil and manipulative Palpatine; and his naive, stupid bitch of a horny queen ImADalek.

PALPATINE  
Honorable delegates, we come before you to find out what the hell all this stuff about trade-routes and taxes and merchandizing deals is all about, because we haven't got a clue!

FAKE ALIEN #3  
This is outrageous! They have no right to demand an understandable plot!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
The Licensing Federation is depriving my people of booty action! I'll loan out my naughty handmaidens to who-ever supports me in my vote against the forces of commerce and licensing and other evil stuff!

ASSEMBLY  
Vote now! Vote Now!

INT. PALPATINE'S APPARTMENT - LATER

Palpatine has good news.

PALPATINE  
I'm going to be Supreme Chancellor and I promise I will take over the galaxy by whatever means it takes.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Whatever. I must go back to Nabooty, and help my people before more die of frustration.

PALPATINE  
But the Federation will capture you and throw you in a dungeon and chain you up and spank you and abuse you and hurt you and torture you in ways unimaginable!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
If only I could be so lucky.

PALPATINE  
Please, Your Bootylisciousness, stay here, where it's safe and where booty-wax and massage oil are much cheaper!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
This is your arena, senator. Now I must return to mine, because I'm an exhibitionist and the thought of being in an arena with thousands of spectators watching me really turns me on.

The queen turns to leave.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
I pray you will bring excitement back to the Star Wars Saga. It's about bloody time!

EXT. METROPOLIS, LANDING PLATFORM - NIGHT

They're all about to enter the SR-71 again.

OBI-WAN  
These Prequels are dangerous to the dignity of the Star Wars Saga! They all sense it, why can't you?

QUI-GON  
They're good enough for Lucas, so they should be good enough for you!

ANAKIDDIE  
Master Qui-Gon, sir, I've been meaning to ask...what are midichlorians?

QUI-GON  
Never mind those. They'll never get mentioned again.

ANAKIDDIE  
Okay, but what's a Sith?

QUI-GON  
I think they're supposed to be the bad guys.

ANAKIDDIE  
Cool, but what's this stuff about me being a Chosen One, born from a virgin, who will bring Balance to the Force?

QUI-GON  
It's something mythological.

ANAKIDDIE  
I don't understand.

QUI-GON  
In time, you will understand that you shouldn't worry about those things. Just ignore it and enjoy the digital effects.

ANAKIDDIE  
So what's with all this talk about naughty handmaidens and their booties and booty-action?

QUI-GON  
It's probably just the fantasy of some sexually frustrated fanfiction writing fanboy.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Master Qui-Gon, our booties are waxed and ready to go, and senator Palpatine fears the Federation guys will want to take advantage of us.

QUI-GON  
I assure you we will not allow that to happen.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Damn!

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, there we go again!

There they go again, flying away into the night's sky, on to adventure and excitement...hopefully...

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE

The holographic guy once again contacts the evil aliens.

ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram)  
Kill the queen.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Didn't we need her to sign something?

ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram)  
Yeah, but that wasn't very exciting.

FAKE ALIEN #2  
What about her booty? Does it still need spanking?

ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram)  
Spank her to death. Spank all of them to death! Then wipe your hands...all of them!

INT. SR-71, COCKPIT

Our friends have reached Nabooty, but where did all the Licensing Federation ships go?

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, the blockade is gone!

CAPTAIN BORING  
There's only one of their ships left in orbit of Nabooty! What's going on?

OBI-WAN  
I just explained that.

CAPTAIN BORING  
No, you didn't!

OBI-WAN  
Yes, I did. It was in a deleted scene.

Anakiddie is studying the controls of the mighty star ship.  
He catches on pretty quick.

ANAKIDDIE  
...So this is the file-sharing program activator...

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, you catch on pretty quick, kid!

INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon is puzzled as to what Queen ImADalek has planned.

QUI-GON  
Remember, as Jedi Knights we are not allowed to fight a war for you; use our special powers in any way to help your cause; spank your booty; or engage in any kind of booty-action with underage girls.

QUEEN IMADALEK  
That's okay. You'll cave in and help us later anyway. Jar Jar Stinks, I need your help.

JAR JAR  
Mesa, Youssa Bootylisciousness?

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Yes. PetMe has sampled you and reports satisfactory results. I wish to form an alliance with the Dungans, so we can finally get some booty-action. I need you to take us to the super-secret ultra-sacred Dungans-only hideout deep within your no-trespassers swamp.

JAR JAR  
No problemo.

EXT. NABOOTY, DUNGAN SACRED PLACE - AFTERNOON

After landing far away from any Licensing Federation troops, Jar Jar Stinks leads our friends to the sacred Dungan place deep within the swamp.

BOSS NASS  
Jar Jar, youssa stupid traitor!  
Youssa have revealed oussa secret sacred place to da Nabooty!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Oh great and powerful Boss of the Dungans, I come before you with an aching booty, desperate for action.  
We need your mighty amphibian bodies and awesome tongues to quench our thirst for booty-action.  
And, oh yeah, our two people are in a symbiotic relationship and we must join forces to defeat the Licensing Federation, or something like that.

BOSS NASS  
Mesa have da betta idea. Wesa gonna spank youssa till youssa bleed!

QUEEN IMADALEK  
Cool.

PETME  
No, wait! Oh great and powerful Boss of the Dungans, we don't have time for booty stuff!  
I come to you in our darkest hour of need and stuff like that!

BOSS NASS  
Whosse diss?

PETME  
I am PetMe ImADalek, the real Queen of Nabooty!

Everybody is shocked, but not much.

PETME  
This nasty fake queen is BangMe , my most experienced handmaiden; my insatiable booty-napper decoy; my booty-action craving bodyguard; my worthless servant girl; a mere naughty fanboy's fantasy. I apologize for the deception, but it was needed, because I'm such a boring girl myself.

BANGME  
Bitch. You didn't complain when I made you wax my booty and spit shine my boots!

PETME  
Boss Nass, we need your help, and to achieve that we will offer ourselves to you as your submissive, obedient, do-it-all booty-action slaves. We will cater to your every whim and pleasure your booties every way you want.

PetMe gets down on her knees and the other handmaidens follow quickly and eagerly. The guys follow their example rather reluctantly.

BOSS NASS  
Ha, ha, ha! Youssa think youssa booties are no finer than ours?

PETME  
Now I didn't say that! I mean, just look at our booties. They don't come any finer!

BOSS NASS  
Whassever. Wesa Dungans only lika da CG booty-action. Maybe wesa can just have platonic friendship instead.

BANGME  
Damned! Damned! Damned!

EXT. NABOOTY, SWAMP - LATER

Now that the Nabooty and the Dungans have joined forces, CG action cannot be far away!

PETME  
Artoo, come over here. I need your holo-thingee.

Artoo is so happy! Finally he gets to do something!

PETME  
Okay, that's enough. Go away.

Aw...

PETME  
Here's the plan:  
While the Dungans create a pointless diversion and get slaughtered like the dim-witted fools they are, the rest of us will enter Thong City and sneak into the palace through a secret passageway - used often by my handmaidens to go get some secret booty-action. It will probably be guarded by some CG droids anyway, so we'll just go in shooting. We will then jog through the palace hallways, shoot more CG droids, and capture the evil fake aliens who no doubt will be in the Throne Room and won't attempt to run away.

OBI-WAN  
What if we fail and they do run away?

PETME  
That is why we must not fail.

OBI-WAN  
Huh?

QUI-GON  
Many Dungans may die.

PETME  
That's the plan.

OBI-WAN  
Are we going to get some space action or what?

PETME  
Oh yeah, we can send some fighters up to the Federation ship and fire some shots at their mighty impenetrable shield. The effects should be cool.

QUI-GON  
It is a well conceived plan, for someone with the brain capacity of a peanut.

OBI-WAN  
Remember Master, we are not allowed to join her in this war.

QUI-GON  
Yeah, but come on! I mean, really, who cares? The fans want to see us in action!

OBI-WAN  
Oh, okay, but we'd better leave Anakiddie behind where it's safe, because he's supposed to be this savior of the galaxy some day.

QUI-GON  
No, we'll just take him with us. If he is a savior of the galaxy, he can't die in this episode anyway.

OBI-WAN  
Oh, okay, but at least we should make sure the queen will stay hidden in a safe place.

PETME  
No way! I'm going to lead the commando-jog through the palace! I know that place better than anyone!

QUI-GON  
Which crack commandos have you recruited for this incredibly dangerous assault?

PETME  
My handmaidens, some inexperienced security guards, and the two of you of course.

OBI-WAN  
What about Jar Jar?

PETME  
No, he's going to be a general in the Dungan army.

OBI-WAN  
Wasn't he supposed to be important to the plot?

QUI-GON  
Obi-Wan, you forget: Jar Jar has brought the Nabooty and Dungans together as a people!

OBI-WAN  
No, he didn't! He just showed us where the Dungans were hiding!

QUI-GON  
If it's good enough for Lucas...

OBI-WAN  
Okay, okay! I get it! Geez!

INT. NABOOTY PALACE, HANGAR - LATER

While the Dungans create a pointless diversion and get slaughtered like the dim-witted fools they are, the others have entered Thong City and have snuck into the palace through a secret passageway - used often by ImADalek's handmaidens to go get some secret booty-action. It was guarded by some CG droids, so they went in shooting. Before they are going to jog through the palace hallways, shoot more CG droids, and capture the evil fake aliens who no doubt will be in the Throne Room and won't attempt to run away, they first enter the hangar to get the pilots to their fighters, so those can fire some shots at the mighty impenetrable shield of the Federation ship.

PETME  
Get to your ships! And with ships I mean fighters!

QUI-GON  
Anakiddie, hide in one of those fighters with Artoo-Detoo! Stay there, even if you accidentally activate the controls, take off, fly into space, and engage the CG droid fighters in combat!

ANAKIDDIE  
Okay.

They open a door.  
Darth Silent stands there!

PETME  
Who are you?

DARTH SILENT  
...

PETME  
I asked you a question!

DARTH SILENT  
...

QUI-GON  
We'll handle this.

PETME  
We will jog the long route. We better take something to drink with us.

While PetMe and the others go jogging, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan fight Darth Silent, who has a double-bladed glowing stick!

OBI-WAN  
We can't defeat him! He's a fan favorite!

EXT. SPACE

Meanwhile Anakiddie has accidentally activated the controls of his fighter, taken off, flown into space, and has engaged the CG droid fighters in combat!

INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT

ANAKIDDIE  
This is tense!

INT. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' FIGHTER, COCKPIT

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, it's not tense at all!

INT. NABOOTY PALACE, HALLWAY - DAY

PetMe and her friends jog through the hallways of the palace.  
Things are going well, until...

PALACE SPEAKER SYSTEM (V.O)  
Attention! All teenage girls who crave booty-action: please report to the throne room immediately!

HANDMAIDENS  
Hurray!

The handmaidens run like crazy into the throne room!

PETME  
No, wait! It could be a trap!

PetMe and the guards follow, but it's too late.  
The evil fake aliens and their CG droids surround them.

HANDMAIDENS  
Hey! Where's the booty-action?!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Harharhar! Got you!

CAPTAIN BORING  
Stupid bitches.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Now, Queen ImADalek, you will sign your action figure empire over to us!

FAKE ALIEN #2  
I thought we were supposed to kill her?

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Oh, yeah. Well, we can make her sign the deal, and then kill her.

FAKE ALIEN #2  
What about simply killing her and faking her signature?

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Uhm... Let me think about that. This is all very complicated.

Suddenly ANOTHER queen stands in the doorway! It is really BangMe , the nasty fake queen!

BANGME  
Spank me if you can, fakers!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
After her! That must be the real queen. This one here is a decoy.

FAKE ALIEN #2  
How do you know? This one here could be the real queen, or maybe they are all fake and the real queen is somewhere else?

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Just go!

The CG droids go after the fake queen.  
PetMe takes advantage of the confusion and opens the Queen's Super Secret Throne Compartment and takes out a whip. Not just any whip - it's the Royal Nabooty Metal Pins Covered Whip Of Spank!

PETME  
Now, fake alien, we will spank your booty until you sign a new deal, one that will ensure the release of the Original Original Trilogy on Blu-Ray, in Anamorphic Widescreen, and fully restored!

EXT. SPACE

Meanwhile Anakiddie and Artoo are in trouble. Their fighter is hit!

INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT

ANAKIDDIE  
Oops, we're hit!

EXT. SPACE

Their fighter accidentally flies into the hangar of the Federation ship!

INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT

ANAKIDDIE  
Oops, we've accidentally flown into the hangar of the Federation ship!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HANGAR

The fighter comes to a stop, but everything's overheated!

INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT

ANAKIDDIE  
Oops, everything's overheated!

Anakiddie punches some buttons and a torpedo shoots away and hits a generator, that was conveniently placed inside the hangar.

ANAKIDDIE  
Oops, I punched some buttons and now a torpedo has shot away and hit a generator, that was conveniently placed inside the hangar!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HANGAR

While the mighty Federation ship blows up, Anakiddie and Artoo fly away to safety. Now this is just like pod-racing!

INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT

ANAKIDDIE  
Now this is pod-racing!

INT. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' FIGHTER, COCKPIT

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, it's not really like pod racing, but more like flying through the hangar of a big space ship!

EXT. SPACE

The Licensing Federation ship blows up!

INT. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' FIGHTER, COCKPIT

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, the Licensing Federation ship blows up!

EXT. NABOOTY, BATTLEFIELD - DAY

Jar Jar has not led the Dungans to victory, so we didn't show any fighting, but now the CG droids are instantly deleted, because the servers were on board the Federation ship!

JAR JAR  
Wesa won anyways!

INT. NABOOTY PALACE, SUPER HIGH TECH AREA

Meanwhile Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Silent have moved into a super high tech area that doesn't really seem to be a part of the ancient Nabooty palace.

They encounter the deadly Laser Shield Doors Of Pacing!  
They are all trapped and can't reach each other!

OBI-WAN  
How long does this last?

QUI-GON  
Until the other scenes are done!

Because the other scenes are already done, the Doors open and the action continues.

OBI-WAN  
Noooo!

QUI-GON  
What is it?

OBI-WAN  
I still haven't had a chance to be really cool and heroic!

Darth Silent takes advantage of the situation and hacks into the distracted Qui-Gon!

OBI-WAN  
Cool. Now I finally get my moment of action-hero glory.

Obi-Wan and Darth Silent fight.  
Darth Silent is cooler and Obi-Wan ends up hanging over the Bottomless Pit Of Unoriginal Ideas!

DARTH SILENT  
...!

Obi-Wan concentrates, flies up, Force-grabs Qui-Gon's glowing stick, lands in front of Darth Silent, waves his stick, and cuts the Dark Lord Of Merchandizing in half!

OBI-WAN  
Phew! I got lucky! That idiot totally forgot to move this time!

But for Qui-Gon it is too late. He dies in Obi-Wan's arms.

QUI-GON  
Train...the...boy.  
He..is...an...important...character...

EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, PALACE - THE NEXT DAY

Palpatine and the Jedi Masters visit a free Nabooty!  
Palpatine walks up to Anakiddie.

PALPATINE  
And you, young Skywalker, I will follow your journey to the Dark Side with great interest.

ANAKIDDIE  
Huh?

PetMe and Captain Boring say goodbye to the fake aliens.

CAPTAIN BORING  
Now we will let you mass murdering, booty-action depriving thieves and liars go, so you can explain all this to the very corrupt senate which you obviously have in your pocket!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
Phew! Thanks! See you in the next episode!

INT. NABOOTY PALACE, TOWER - NIGHT

Obi-Wan and the little green alien discuss Anakiddie's future.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Defeated bad guy after he forgot to move, you did. Promoted to rank of Jedi Knight you are.

OBI-WAN  
What about Anakiddie? He is the Chosen One...maybe.  
He did fly super fast through a narrow passageway and avoided obstacles!

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Same thing with podrace already, he did that! Not good enough for us that was then. Why good enough for us this should be now?

OBI-WAN  
Qui-Gon asked me when he died.

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
Oh, okay. Your apprentice, Skywalker, will be.

OBI-WAN  
My apprentice?! But Master Yoda, if Anakiddie is the most important person in the entire history of the Jedi Order and the Galaxy, shouldn't he be trained by a highly experienced Jedi Master, instead of by me? I mean, I've only just been promoted to Jedi Knight for goodness sake!

LITTLE GREEN ALIEN  
A second, wait! Yoda, my name is!  
Knew that, we did not! Found out finally, we did!  
Now what on your mind is, Obi-Wan?

OBI-WAN  
Never mind.

EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, NABOOTY PALACE, BARBEQUE - NIGHT

Our friends have gathered to burn Qui-Gon to a crisp.

ANAKIDDIE  
Why didn't Qui-Gon disappear, like the Jedi in the Original Trilogy?

OBI-WAN  
Perhaps one day we will uncover this mystery, if anybody still cares by then...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
There is no doubt that the evil looking guy was a bad guy, but how many of those are there?

YODA  
Sith, they are called. Always two there are. No more, no less. When defeated they were, a long time ago, one survived and started Rule Of Two, in deepest secret.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Then how can you know about it?

YODA  
Damn! Got me, you have. Just made that up, I did, to sound interesting.

EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, NABOOTY PALACE, PLAZA - DAY

The Nabooty people cheer as Queen PetMe ImADalek and the Jedi and the Dungans wave at them.  
PetMe gives Boss Nass a glowing orb.

BOSS NASS  
Whasse isse that?

PETME  
It's the Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness.

BOSS NASS  
Whasse does disse do?

PETME  
I don't know. We will find that out in Episode 6. *  
*(See Episode 6: The Sixth Episode)

BOSS NASS  
Isse bombad pretty!

PETME  
Yes. It's bright and shiny and pretty, and apparently meaningless.  
The perfect symbol for this Episode!

OBI-WAN  
Where are all the handmaidens and the guards?

YODA  
Celebration, time for it has come.  
Booty-Action, part of that can be.

HANDMAIDENS (O.S)  
Hurray!!

ANAKIDDIE  
When can I get some booty-action?

PETME  
We will meet again in ten years, Anakiddie. Then you will be old enough for booty-action and we will see what we can do.

ANAKIDDIE  
Yippee!

FADE OUT.

**THE END  
(OR ACTUALLY: TO BE CONTINUED IN ****EPISODE 2: STOP! OR MY CLONE WILL SHOOT)**


	3. The Crapuels, Episode 2: Stop! Or My Clo...

Here is episode 2. Our heroes return to fight evil, good taste, and common sense...  
By Darth SillyName, the Dynamic Villain  
2003, 2009  


* * *

Every episode needs a sequel...  
Every saga needs a second chance...  
Every hope needs a dashing...

A time ago not long enough, in a galaxy firmly etched into our minds...

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop to the title and a roll-up, which crawls slowly and painfully into the infinity where it was spawned in the first place...

**STAR WARS**

** EPISODE II**

**STOP! OR MY CLONE WILL SHOOT!**

Turmoil has once again engulfed the galaxy.  
This time there is a mysterious Count Cape who leads some separatists who have declared their intentions to leave the Republic and mind their own booties.  
The limited number of Jedi Knights is having trouble to maintain peace, order, and bad taste in the galaxy, because they are so inept and stupid.  
Senator PetMe, the former queen of Nabooty, returns to the CG capital to vote on the critical issue of higher taxes on booty-wax, and also to find out just what is going on with all this separatist and army stuff she's been hearing about...

PAN UP

Through the vast sea of stars to reveal a B-2 NABOOTY SPACE CRUISER flying towards Metropolis, the CG capital of the Republic.

Then

PAN DOWN

Through the same vast sea of stars to reveal the B-2 Nabooty Space Cruiser turning around its axis and flying towards Metropolis the proper way this time.

INT. B-2, COCKPIT

PetMe debates this alarming chain of events with the captain of the ship.

PETME  
Don't you know how to fly, you idiot?!

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, we are approaching Metropolis, Senator ImADalek, former queen of Nabooty!

PETME  
Yes, I can see that! Shouldn't I be queen for life or something? What's with this senator stuff?

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS  
And look, the stupid bitch doesn't even know that queens are elected on Nabooty!

PETME  
They elected a fourteen year old girl as their temporary queen?  
The people of Nabooty are so stupid, they deserve to have their booties spanked!

EXT. METROPOLIS, LANDING PLATFORM - MORNING

The Nabooty Cruiser lands. Nearby two Nabooty N-1 CG fighters also land.

From one of the fighters appears CAPTAIN POINTLESS, a pointless character with an eyepatch over one eye.  
From the other appears a petite female pilot who keeps her helmet on...who can this be?  
Our old friend Artoo-Detoo is also there!

Then PetMe and a bunch of guards exit the B-2.

PETME  
Where's the welcoming committee?  
Cheap lazy bastards!

CAPTAIN POINTLESS  
I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all. Unless someone forgot to check the landing platform for any bombs of course.

KABOOM!  
A bomb explodes on the landing platform!  
Dead and wounded are everywhere.

The female pilot takes off her helmet. It's the REAL PETME!  
The other was her naughty handmaiden CHOKEME!

PetMe runs over to her dying double.

PETME  
ChokeMe! No! She's dead!

CHOKEME  
Actually, I'm still alive.

PETME  
No! My brave decoy has been mortally injured!

CHOKEME  
Actually, I think I might pull through.

PETME  
No! My naughty servant girl will forever be scarred and handicapped!

CHOKEME  
Actually, I think I'm fine. Just a bit scratched really. Sorry that I have failed you, senator.

PETME  
Die bitch! Do your duty!

PetMe starts choking ChokeMe.

CHOKEME  
Gargl...ugh...arch...

ChokeMe dies.

PETME  
Sweet submissive ChokeMe. She died the way she always wanted to go.

INT. PALPATINE'S OFFICE - DAY

A bunch of Jedi are having a meeting with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson are among them.

PALPATINE  
I don't know how much longer I can hold off the vote, my friends.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
What vote?

PALPATINE  
I'm not sure, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it off. Master Yoda, do you really think it will come to war?

YODA  
To war what will come? Talk about what you are?

PALPATINE  
It's all a bit complicated. Can't you use the Force to look into deleted scenes and novelizations?

Yoda concentrates.

YODA  
Ugh. Difficult to see, deleted scenes are. The Dark Side clouds everything.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
I find that very racist.

YODA  
Huh?

PALPATINE  
So I guess the future is in motion as always.

YODA  
No. Clouding everything, the Dark Side is this time.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
What does that mean?

YODA  
Inconsistent, it appears to be. A mystery this is. Meditate on this we must.

Then PetMe, her handmaiden DoMe, Captain Pointless, Jar Jar Stinks, some other aliens and Jimmy Smits walk in.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Wow! Jimmy Smits! Such a fan! What are you doing here?

JIMMY SMITS  
I'm not sure. Isn't this the set of L.A. Law: Another Reunion?

YODA  
Senator PetMe, seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my nether-regions, after salivating over your naughty pictures for so long.

PETME  
Do you have any idea what is going on with all this separatist stuff and this army stuff and that explosion and everything?

YODA  
You could have first said 'thank you', you ungrateful bitch.

PETME  
I think Count Cape was behind the attack.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Who's Count Cape?

PETME  
He appears as the mysterious leader of the separatists in the opening scroll. That's very suspicious.

YODA  
A former Jedi, Cape supposedly is. Peaceful he has always been in that case.

PETME  
Now I'm sure he's the bad guy!

YODA  
Evidence we must have.

PETME  
He looks like Christopher Lee in a cape. There's your evidence!

PALPATINE  
PetMe, you need more protection.

PETME  
But I'm already using Factor 1138 sun-block; Always Mega-Ultra Intergalactic tampons; Quadruple Strength Super Sensitive Ribbed Curry-Flavoured condoms; and a squad of highly trained, well hung Nabooty Guards, armed with Omega-Mega Nuclear Fission Supernova Planet Buster Assault Launchers for my personal protection!

PALPATINE  
Perhaps a few Jedi could be helpful.

JIMMY SMITS  
Is that a wise use of manpower, what with all this turmoil and stuff?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
It's not like we're doing anything important. We haven't even got a clue what is going on anyway!

PALPATINE  
Get Obi-Wan Kenobi and his emotionally unstable apprentice to guard PetMe.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
That is possible. They have just returned from an adventure in a spin-off novel.

PALPATINE  
PetMe, you must remember Obi-Wan!

PETME  
Obi-Wan? No, not really, no. Oh wait! Was that the guy who hardly did anything in the previous Episode?

INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, LIVINGROOM - DAY

A bearded Obi-Wan Kenobi and a young man of about 20 years old visit PetMe in her apartment.  
Jar Jar Stinks, DoMe, and Captain Pointless are there too.

JAR JAR  
Oh! Obi, Obi, Obi!

OBI-WAN  
Jar Jar? What are you doing here?

JAR JAR  
Mesa now politician!

OBI-WAN  
They couldn't find anyone dumber, huh?

JAR JAR  
Obi, youssa forget: at end of da previous episode mesa completed da journey of dessen hero! Mesa now grown up and wise.

OBI-WAN  
That never happened!

JAR JAR  
Hey! If good enough for da Lucas, shoulda be good enough for youssa!

Obi-Wan bows before PetMe, and pinches her booty - which is the traditional Nabooty greeting. *

* (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

OBI-WAN  
It's a pleasure to see your booty again, PetMe.

PETME  
Uhm, Obi-Wan, wasn't it? Yeah, okay. My booty is fine, how is yours?  
(notices the other guy)  
Anakiddie? Is that you? My goodness you've grown!

It is indeed Anakiddie Skywalker, the annoying kid from the previous episode!

ANAKID  
So have you. Well, your booty and boobies have grown anyway. Not much, but still...

PETME  
Oh, Anakiddie! You'll always be that little dirty boy who tried to cop a feel!

They all sit down to discuss the plot.

CAPTAIN POINTLESS  
I'm Captain Pointless. Queen JamItInYa has been informed of the start of this new episode.

OBI-WAN  
I see you only have one eye. What happened to the other?

CAPTAIN POINTLESS  
The senator poked it out with one of her hard, pointy...

PETME  
It was your own fault! You shouldn't have bent over!  
Especially when it was so cold, but no, the brave captain needed to take a closer look!

OBI-WAN  
We'll make sure no more nasty accidents happen, Milady.

PETME  
First of all, the next person who calls me 'Milady' will be torn a new anus. Second, I don't need more episodes, I want to know what the plot of this episode is all about!

ANAKID  
We will find out what is going on, PetMe.

OBI-WAN  
Our mission is to protect her booty, not to start an investigation, my very young and inexperienced and worthless apprentice padawan flunky!

ANAKID  
So there was this terrorist attack, and people got killed, and there isn't even going to be an investigation?! That's just stupid!

OBI-WAN  
Who cares. We will only watch PetMe's booty. Trust me, that's a full time job.

PETME  
Perhaps with merely your presence, the mystery surrounding this plot will be revealed.

OBI-WAN  
The mystery surrounding this plot has already been revealed. It's the answer to the mystery we're looking for.

PETME  
Geez, I was only trying to sound 'epic'. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll retire.

OBI-WAN  
You're retiring as Senator? Tired of the job already?

PETME  
Shut up. I meant I'm going to my bedroom with DoMe, so I can spank my frustration away on her booty.

EXT. METROPOLIS, BUILDING LEDGE - NIGHT

Night has fallen over this side of Metropolis. A lone speeder pulls up near a ledge high above the ground. A figure, Zam WeSellToys, walks out and approaches...Boba Fett from the Original Trilogy!

A FETT  
No, 'm Jango Fett.

Yeah, right. He looks like Boba Fett from the Original Trilogy!

A FETT  
Put these worms in a tube; put the tube in a flying droid; send the flying droid to PetMe's bedroom window; let the droid cut a hole in the window; let the droid release the worms from the tube; then the worms can crawl to PetMe's bed and kill her...if she's in her bedroom and in her bed.

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
Can't we just shoot a missile into her bedroom and blow the bitch up? The blowing up bit worked on the landing platform.

A FETT  
No! That would be too easy.

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
Can't you do all this stuff yourself, you lazy bastard?

A FETT  
No! That would be too easy.

INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, LIVINGROOM - NIGHT

Meanwhile, in PetMe's apartment, Obi-Wan checks on Anakid.

ANAKID  
It's so quiet. I haven't heard her moan or scream for hours.

Obi-Wan checks a small viewing device. He can't get an image.

OBI-WAN  
What's going on?

ANAKID  
She covered the camera.

OBI-WAN  
Damn! We were just getting some sign-ups for our cam-girls website!

ANAKID  
I've been having these dreams about my mother again.

OBI-WAN  
I don't want to hear it. It's sick and disturbing, Anakid.

ANAKID  
I'd rather dream of PetMe. Oh, the things I do to her in my dreams! Bwahahaha!

OBI-WAN  
Be mindful of your thoughts Anakid, they betray you, together with your words. Also be careful of Palpatine. I read somewhere in a novelization that he is really evil.

Anakid sniffs the air.

ANAKID  
Did someone fart?

OBI-WAN  
I sense it too...

They run into Padm 's bedroom!

INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Obi-Wan and Anakid run inside PetMe's bedroom! SHOCK!

ANAKID  
No! Don't do that! It's not natural!

For the sake of protecting the innocence of the younger readers I will refrain from telling what kind of depraved fanboy's fantasy PetMe and Artoo-Detoo are making real in this scene...

PETME  
Oh, no! You smelled my fart!

Obi-Wan needs to throw up and jumps at the window!  
Too bad there are blinds in front of the window, and the window itself is made from extra-strenght double glass.

BANG!

OBI-WAN  
Aarch!

ANAKID  
What's that?!

PETME  
It's called a nipple, Anakiddie.

ANAKID  
No, that!

Anakid points outside. A flying droid flies away from another part of the building.

OBI-WAN  
It could be a clue. We must follow it!

Obi-Wan pulls up the blinds, opens the window, jumps out, and hangs on to the flying droid, which takes him away into the traffic.  
While Anakid runs away to get some transportation, DoMe and Captain Pointless come running into the bedroom.

DOME  
Help! Some ugly worm attacked me in my sleep!

PETME  
Captain Pointless! I told you not to assault my handmaidens any more! Only I am allowed to do that!

DOME  
No, it was a big worm!

PETME  
Jar Jar Stinks! You bastard!

EXT. METROPOLIS, CITY - NIGHT

Obi-Wan hangs on to the flying droid, but then the droid is shot by Zam WeSellToys.

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
I could have just shot that guy who was hanging underneath, but that would have been too easy.

Obi-Wan lands in an ugly, yellow, open speeder, piloted by Anakid!

OBI-WAN  
What took you so long?

ANAKID  
I had to find a speeder I really liked, with the right speed capabilities, the right color, enough fuel, good insurance, a cd player, surround stereo, one of those little computers that tell you where to go, etcetera.

OBI-WAN  
Your wit is as lousy as Yoda's skills as a swordsman!

ANAKID  
Yes, somebody should tell Yoda he looks really stupid when he bounces around waving his little saber. It's embarrassing!

They fly through a bunch of power-couplings.

OBI-WAN  
Anakid! How many times have I told you to watch out for those power-couplings?!

ANAKID  
Never!

OBI-WAN  
Now we've lost him. Let's go find a bar and get drunk.

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Obi-Wan and Anakid enter a nightclub.  
Anakid checks out several video-games that are displayed on monitors.

ANAKID  
Ah, the new podrace game is out!

OBI-WAN  
The Force is tingling inside of me. The assassin might be in here.

ANAKID  
I think he's a she, and a shapeshifter.

OBI-WAN  
I doubt it. This isn't Star Trek.  
Go check out the hookers, I'm going to get a drink.

Anakid starts walking away.

OBI-WAN  
Wait. Your lightsaber, you won't need it.

Anakid thinks about this for a moment, then decides this isn't some Dark Side cave and walks on to check out some hookers.  
Obi-Wan sighs and orders a drink.

GREEDO  
Going somewhere, Solo?

OBI-WAN  
Sorry, you have the wrong person.

GREEDO  
Whoops, sorry.

Bored, Obi-Wan switches on his lightsaber and swings around.

OBI-WAN  
Look everybody! I'm cool!

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
Aaarch!

ANAKID  
Wow! You've captured the assassin!

OBI-WAN  
What a coincidence! Uhm, I mean, yeah, the Force guided me, and stuff.

They drag her outside.

EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Time for an expert Jedi interrogation.

ANAKID  
Are you a shapeshifter?

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
Yes.

OBI-WAN  
Lame! The way you used and not used your shape-shifting capabilities was ridiculous! Only a completely idiotic shapeshifter would shapeshift and not shapeshift in the way you did in this episode!

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
No. It's symbolic for the duel identities and stuff.

ANAKID  
Tell us who is responsible for this crap! Tell us now!!

ZAM WESELLTOYS  
It was just the writer of this crap...Aarch!

Zam has been shot by a poison dart!

OBI-WAN  
Look over there! It's Boba Fett, from the Original Trilogy!

ANAKID  
It could be someone else.

OBI-WAN  
Oh, come on! He looked like Boba Fett!

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - THE NEXT DAY

Obi-Wan and Anakid consult with the Jedi Council.

YODA  
The point of that whole Zam shapeshifting thing, what was, if she did not use it to change appearance to evade you, but did use it when she sent droid to do her job, so seen she expected not to be?

OBI-WAN  
I suspect it was the work of someone called 'The Writer Of This Crap'. Anyway, we found a dart.

YODA  
Playing darts, time for it we have not! Track down this killer you must, Obi-Wan!

OBI-WAN  
So after the first assassination attempt, which caused the deaths of a bunch of people, you didn't feel the need for an investigation. But now suddenly you do?!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Shut up. Anakid, use public transportation to take PetMe to her home planet and visit the Nabooty Royal Palace, and maybe even her parents. That way nobody will be able to find her.

ANAKID  
That's just stupid.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Then go to Palpatine and be seduced to the Dark Side, damned!  
You disrespectful boy!

ANAKID  
Okay.

INT. PALPATINE'S OFFICE - DAY

Anakid meets Palpatine in his office.

PALPATINE  
You will go to PetMe's apartment and wait there. She will come with you.

ANAKID  
She will come with me?

PALPATINE  
I have foreseen it.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, FAKE BACKGROUND - DAY

Obi-Wan meets with Yoda and Samuel.

OBI-WAN  
Anakid is a danger to us all and must be terminated.

YODA  
Anakid will do fine. You have trained him well.

OBI-WAN  
Oh well, if he screws up at least I won't have to feel guilty.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
He could be the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force.

OBI-WAN  
Can't we just forget about that nonsense? It's so pointless.

YODA  
Epic it is.

OBI-WAN  
Stupid it is.

INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - LATER

While DoMe is packing, PetMe talks to Jar Jar, as Anakid watches.

PETME  
You will now replace me in the senate, Jar Jar. I'm sure you'll do the right thing should we find out just what is going on with all this separatist and army stuff.

JAR JAR  
Muy, muy! Mesa always wanted to form an empire! Now is mesa chance!

ANAKID  
What's with the chairs around your bed?

PETME  
Those are for my handmaidens, so that they can watch me, and assist me whenever I need some extra hands.  
Boy! You've certainly grown up.

ANAKID  
No, it's just the way my trousers fold up.

PETME  
Don't grow up too fast, Anakiddie.

ANAKID  
You just said that I had grown up! Make up your damn mind! And don't call me Anakiddie anymore,  
it's Anakid! Obi-Wan sucks, he does not let me move on, the bastard! It's not fair!

PETME  
Damn, you really need some booty action.

EXT. METROPOLIS, AIRPORT - DAY

PetMe and Anakid and Artoo-Detoo are about to leave.

DOME  
I'm a bit worried that I'll get killed, now that I'm supposed to be your decoy double.

PETME  
Perhaps the assassin has better things to do, like spending quality time with his identical normal-growth clone son, and will give up this killing job.

ANAKID  
Don't worry, we have Artoo with us.

PETME  
Yes, it's not like he's busy doing anything in this episode.

They depart for Nabooty!

INT. DINER - DAY

Obi-Wan visits his old CG friend Dex, who we've never seen before of course, in a diner from a galaxy not so far away.

DROID WAITRESS  
Do you want some Jawa juice?

OBI-WAN  
No, thanks. Us Jedi are not really allowed to have sex.

DEX  
What do you want to know, you stupid Jedi?

OBI-WAN  
I need to know where this dart came from. The droids in the temple didn't recognize it, and I'm not even going to ask some stupid experienced Jedi Master.

DEX  
It's got no symbols on it, but I recognize these scratches, they're like symbols. This dart was bought in Hanks Sports And Leisure Store.

OBI-WAN  
That's not very helpful.

DEX  
Perhaps you should go to Kamino to get some vacation and get your mind off things. They've got these cool weather effects and weird aliens.

INT. FREIGHTER

Anakid and PetMe are having lunch on board the freighter that will take them to Nabooty.

PETME  
It must suck to be a Jedi.  
Traveling all over the galaxy, kicking booty, waving your glowing stick, levitating stuff...

ANAKID  
And not getting any booty action...

PETME  
Are you allowed to have booty action? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi.

ANAKID  
It's okay if you don't tell anyone. Really!

PETME  
You've changed so much.

ANAKID  
You are still the same as you have always been in my wet dreams, only with smaller boobies.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, LIBRARY - DAY

Obi-Wan needs some help. Some old bitch approaches him.

OLD BITCH  
You need help, Master Kenobi?  
(deleted scene)  
You need help, Master Kenobi?

OBI-WAN  
I can't find Kamino on the star map.

OLD BITCH  
If it's not on our map, it doesn't exist.

OBI-WAN  
Can't we look at some other map?  
After all, this is the center of a galactic civilization. I'm sure there are many different star maps to be found on this planet.  
It's got to be on some of them!

OLD BITCH  
No. That's too complicated. Let's just pretend the planet doesn't exist.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, TRAINING VERANDA - DAY

Obi-Wan does not give up this easily! He goes to ask Yoda, who's training some kids.

YODA  
Yes, use the Force you must.  
Stand so close to each other you must not. Cut off each other's heads with lightsabers you could.

OBI-WAN  
Wow! He's so wise! I wish Yoda had trained me.

YODA  
Trained you I did.

OBI-WAN  
No, Qui-Gon Jinn trained me.

YODA  
Trained you as a little padawan I did, like train I do these children. All Jedi kids I train at some point, including you.

OBI-WAN  
I didn't know that.

YODA  
Obvious that is, from seeing me train these kids in this scene.

OBI-WAN  
No, it's not. Anyway, I can't find a planet on this map.

YODA  
Hmm, gravity scan indicates planet should be there, but planet is missing! Where could it be?

KID  
Where it should be, in order to effect everything else with its gravity?

YODA  
Wow! Very good!

KID  
It was pretty obvious.

YODA  
Truly remarkable, the mind of a child is. Not so clouded as ours.

KID  
Or so totally demented. Someone must have erased the planet.

YODA  
Only a Jedi could have done that, but which one?

OBI-WAN  
Back in the library there was this bust of Cape, a former Jedi who now happens to be the leader of the separatists. It stood right behind me, and I even discussed him with that old bitch in a deleted scene. This could indicate that he deleted the planet.

YODA  
No. That would be too easy.  
Dangerous and disturbing, this mystery is. Meditate on this I will. Investigation, I will not launch.

KID  
Idiot.

EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, ROYAL PALACE - DAY

Anakid, PetMe, and Artoo-Detoo have arrived on Nabooty and visit the Royal Palace in Thong City - the tightest and sexiest capital in the Galaxy.

PASSERS BY  
Look! It's PetMe! Our famous former queen and now our senator!

PETME  
Damn! I knew I should have used my Wookiee disguise.

INT. NABOOTY ROYAL PALACE, THRONE ROOM - DAY

They meet with the new queen of Nabooty, JamItInYa, and several other dignitaries, including Sio Biblical.

ANAKID  
You look like a frigging clown!

JAMITINYA  
Shut up! Or I will spank you silly!

SIO BIBLICAL  
Have you figured out what all this stuff about separatists, armies, votes and all that is all about?

PETME  
No. I fear the plot will forever remain hidden in deleted scenes and be clouded by poor writing.

JAMITINYA  
Did you and this kid have some booty-action? If he needs some, just let me know! And if he gives you any trouble, we shall spank him senseless!

PETME  
BangMe?! Is that you?

The queen is fake! It is PetMe's former double decoy, BangMe: the nastiest and most experienced handmaiden on Nabooty! *  
* (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

BANGME  
Yes, it's me. The real queen JamItInYa is chained up in the dungeon. She required some more spanking lessons. She's so inexperienced!

PETME  
Tell her I said hi.

BANGME  
Will do, and then I'll spank her hard for not being here to meet you in person!

SIO BIBLICAL  
So where are you going now?

ANAKID  
Can't we visit your parents? *  
*(See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

PETME  
I'm afraid I still haven't found them. I suspect they live in a deleted scene.

ANAKID  
Perhaps we'll find them in the next episode.

INT. KAMINO

Meanwhile Obi-Wan has arrived on Kamino for a well deserved vacation. Lama Su and Taun We, his hosts, welcome him and show him the accommodations.

OBI-WAN  
I'm a bit disappointed with the sunny beaches that were advertised in the brochure.

LAMA SU  
We're glad you're here. The clone army that was ordered by Sifo Dyas is ready.

OBI-WAN  
I think you have me confused with someone else. I have never heard of any Sifo-Dyas and nobody I know has ordered any clones.

LAMA SU  
If you're a Jedi, then the clones are for you.

OBI-WAN  
Oh well, whatever. Thanks!

LAMA SU  
That will be five zillion Kaminoan Dollars, please.

OBI-WAN  
What?! I only have Republic Credits!

LAMA SU  
Republic Credits are no good out here. I need something more real.

OBI-WAN (mindtricking)  
Republic Credits will do fine.

LAMA SU  
No, they won't!

OBI-WAN (mindtricking)  
You should go home and rethink your direction in life.

LAMA SU  
I'm already home!

OBI-WAN (mindtricking)  
Move along!

LAMA SU  
We'll move along after you have paid us!

OBI-WAN  
Damn! Uhm...We can't pay for the clones right now because...the Dark Side of the Force is clouding the Financial Side, and is limiting our abilities to see into our bank account.

LAMA SU  
We're getting impatient!

Obi-Wan must think of something! This is going wrong!

OBI-WAN  
Are all the clones completed?

LAMA SU  
No, not all of them.

OBI-WAN  
Perhaps you can explain that to Yoda when he arrives.

LAMA SU  
Yoda is coming here?!

OBI-WAN  
Yes, prime minister, and he will be most displeased with your lack of progress when he arrives.

LAMA SU  
We will double our efforts!

OBI-WAN  
I hope so for your sake, prime minister. Yoda is not as forgiving as I am.

INT. KAMINO, CLONE CENTER

The Kaminoans show Obi-Wan the clones. They all look the same - like a tough and dangerous man.

LAMA SU  
We thought we could clone a playmate or a super model, but Sifo-Dyas insisted on a rough, muscular, handsome man.

OBI-WAN  
Hmm, I like them!

LAMA SU  
I knew it.

OBI-WAN  
Who was the template?

LAMA SU  
Some Fett guy. He wanted an unaltered, normal growth clone son as payment. Interesting, isn't it?

OBI-WAN  
No. Why should that be interesting?

LAMA SU  
The son's name is Boba Fett. Get it? Boba Fett from the Original Trilogy!

OBI-WAN  
Is he going to do anything interesting?

LAMA SU  
No.

OBI-WAN  
Then who cares?

EXT. NABOOTY, SUMMER HOUSE - DAY

PetMe and Anakid arrive at PetMe's summer house in a little gondola, steered by some guy. They are welcomed by two servant girls.

PETME  
Thanks mister. Damn, I forgot his name. I'll have to look it up in the Nabooty action-figure archives.  
And these will be our servant girls during our stay here: Xenophobia and AnalEntre. Xenophobia doesn't really like outsiders, and watch out for AnalEntre. She has a 'give', not 'take' philosophy.

ANAKID  
It's beautiful here.

PETME  
Yes. When I was jailbait we used to come here and skinny dip and lie in the sand and let the old guys from the village take pictures of us.

ANAKID  
I don't like old guys. They're rough and they get everywhere. Unlike you, you're so smooth.

Anakid touches PetMe.

PETME  
A little lower please. I've got this terrible rash and it's itching like crazy.

INT. KAMINO, A FETT APARTMENT

Taun We and Obi-Wan visit the Fett family. Little Boba opens the door.

OBI-WAN  
You're Boba Fett? Aren't you a little young for a bounty hunter?

TAUN WE  
When the time of the Original Trilogy arrives, he will be just the right age to be able to do all the athletic stuff he does in those episodes!

OBI-WAN  
What athletic stuff?!

Jango walks in.

TAUN WE  
Ah, Jango. Was your trip productive?

A FETT  
No. I didn't get to kill the bitch. I got tired and gave up. I wanted to spend some quality time with my normal growth clone son instead. I hope my master won't mind.

OBI-WAN  
Who's your master?

A FETT  
Some guy named Tyranus.

OBI-WAN  
Another bad guy?! This is getting too complicated. I must ask Yoda for help!

After Obi and Taun have left, A Fett turns to his identical, unaltered, normal growth, pointless son.

A FETT  
Pack our things. We must leave in a hurry.

EXT. KAMINO, LANDING PLATFORM

Obi-Wan is about to leave.

TAUN WE  
Thanks and goodbye. Come again!

OBI-WAN  
Next time I need to get a better travel agency. It rained the whole time!

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, YODA'S ROOM

Obi-Wan now asks Yoda and Sam for help with the help of his astromech droid that was cut in half and fixed to his fighter.

OBI-WAN (hologram)  
I still haven't figured out what all this business with separatists and stuff is about, and now we have these clones thrown into the mix! They look like Stormtroopers from the Original Trilogy!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Are they real?

OBI-WAN (hologram)  
No, master. They are Computer Animated.

YODA  
Capture this Fett guy you must, Obi-Wan. Too unoriginal he is.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
We should inform the senate that our ability to use the Force has been diminished.

YODA  
Huh? Never established it was that we could see everything everywhere all the time. Limited our abilities have not been!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
But Yoda, what about this stuff about the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force one day, because the Dark Side has become more powerful than the Light Side and is clouding our abilities at this time, and may soon lead to our destruction?

YODA  
What about it? Not an issue, in Original Trilogy all that stuff was.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Okay. Forget about it.

EXT. NABOOTY, SUMMER HOUSE, GRASS - DAY

Meanwhile Anakid and PetMe are having a picknick.

ANAKID  
Did you ever have booty-action?

PETME  
Yes. I was twelve and he was older. He was so nice and cute, and he gave me lots of presents.  
I went with him, but then he forced me into a life of vice. It took me months before I could escape that loverboy!  
I have been unable to be close with a man ever since. Only the warm, gentle touch of a woman has been able to comfort me.

ANAKID  
When I'm older, I want to be a dictator and torture and disfigure my own children.

PETME  
Oh, Anakiddie! You're making fun of me!

ANAKID  
Come here bitch! I want to roll around in the grass with you!

PETME  
Don't touch me! You creep! Can't we just play 'The Sound Of Music' instead?

Yes, of course they can...

INT. SUMMER HOUSE, DINING ROOM OF DISASTER - EVENING

After the musical fun, it's time for diner.

ANAKID  
And when that didn't work, we chopped them up with our lightsabers, bwahahaha!

PETME  
Ugh. Psycho.

AnalEntre brings in desert: some fruit.

ANAKID  
Thank you.

Anakid levitates a piece of fruit, cuts it, and levitates it straight into PetMe's mouth.

PetMe chokes on the piece!

PETME  
Gargl..ugh..glll...

Anakid uses the awesome Force-Un-Choke trick to save PetMe's life!!

She recovers.

PETME  
Arch! The terrible taste!  
AnalEntre , you bitch! Where did you stick that fruit in?! Ugh! Bleh!

INT. SUMMER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, FIRE PLACE - NIGHT

After some toothbrushing, Anakid and PetMe get comfortable.  
PetMe has her dominatrix outfit on.

ANAKID  
From the moment I met you, all these years ago, I wanted to have booty-action with you. And now that I'm older, we can finally do it, just like you promised me ten years ago. *

* (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

PETME  
Stop it Anakid! If you follow your thoughts through to conclusion, you will see that it will take us to a place we cannot go!

ANAKID  
Okay. We can do it here, if the bedroom is not available.

PETME  
What if anyone finds out?

ANAKID  
We could keep it a secret.

PETME  
We would be living a lie. Could you live like that?

ANAKID  
Sure, no problem.

PETME  
Yeah, that would be okay with me too, but no Anakid, I can't have booty-action with you. Remember my traumatic experience when I was twelve? I'm only comfortable with women!

ANAKID  
Then what's with the whole sexy dominatrix outfit? You teasing bitch!

PETME  
That's for the spanking sessions.  
I'm okay with spanking. I thought I could spank you in the traditional Nabooty manner.

ANAKID  
I'm going to my bedroom now, before your spanking destroys my booty.

INT. ANAKID'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Anakid has another dream. He's tossing and turning in his bed...

ANAKID  
Oh, mom, no, mom, aah!

EXT. BALCONY - MORNING

PetMe finds Anakid on the balcony.

PETME  
I heard you screaming last night. You sick bastard! You were wet dreaming about your mother!

ANAKID  
Jedi don't masturbate, they levitate.

PETME  
That's disgusting.

ANAKID  
I must go to Tatooine and visit my mother.

PETME  
Tatooine again! It's such a boring place!

EXT. KAMINO, ANOTHER LANDING PLATFORM - DAY

Obi-Wan confronts the two Fetts!

A FETT  
Hey! I thought you left yesterday!

OBI-WAN  
Yes, I've been hiding outside in the rain all night, working up the courage to face you!

A FETT  
Then I guess it's a good thing it took us all night to get our things packed to leave in a hurry!

They fight!  
Thanks to his Jedi super powers Obi-Wan has soon defeated Fett.

A FETT  
This is not fair. I don't have any Jedi powers.

OBI-WAN  
Okay. We'll start over then, and this time I won't use Force-Push and Pull.

They fight again!

This time the Fetts escape.

OBI-WAN  
Oh! Not good!

EXT. TATOOINE - DAY

Anakid and PetMe and Artoo (he's back!) arrive on Tatooine, and visit Watto, Anakid's former slave master.

ANAKID  
I always dreamt about coming back here and free my mother and the other slaves.

PETME  
Now is your chance, as a Jedi!

They meet Watto.

ANAKID  
I'm looking for my mother, Shmut Skywalker.

WATTO  
Oh yes, Shmut. I sold her and the guy freed her and married her and now they live in the homestead from the Original Trilogy.

ANAKID  
That saved some screentime.

PETME  
What about the other slaves? Are you going to free them?

ANAKID  
Ah, screw them!

EXT. SPACE, ASTEROID FIELD

Obi-Wan chases the Fetts, who fly in their mighty unoriginal Slave-1!

OBI-WAN  
Aha! An asteroid chase! I've seen how these are done in the Original Trilogy. This will be easy!

Indeed, Obi-Wan is able to evade the rocks and then hides on the backside of an asteroid. The Fetts think he's gone!

OBI-WAN  
Just like Han Solo hid on the backside of a Star Destroyer in the Original Trilogy! I was wise to watch those movies, or else I might have been killed!

EXT. GEONOSIS - NIGHT

Obi-Wan flies his fighter straight over the Geonosian city, observing many spaceships parked at the site.

Of course Geonosian Air-Defense notices him! He is shot down! Oh No!

OBI-WAN  
This isn't how it's supposed to go!

EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY

Anakid and PetMe have found the Original Trilogy homestead.

C-3PO  
Master Anakid! My creator! It is you! It is you!

ANAKID  
My son. At last we are reunited.

UNCLE OWEN  
Hi. I'm uncle Owen, and this is my girlfriend aunt Beru.

AUNT BERU  
Hello.

PETME  
I'd love to chat with you.

AUNT BERU  
...

PETME  
Whoops. All out of lines, huh?

CLIEGG  
I'm Cliegg. I'm the bastard who bought your mother. The bitch told me she loved me, so I took off her shackles and I wanted to marry her, but then she ran away with all my money! She joined some Tusken biker gang!

ANAKID  
Typical. I'll go look for her.

EXT. TATOOINE, TUSKEN BIKER GANG CAMP - NIGHT

After a search, Anakid has found his mother. She is tied up in a tent, beaten up.

ANAKID  
Mom, what happened?!

SHMUT  
I'm okay. These bikers are wild!

ANAKID  
Let's get out of here!

SHMUT  
No. I must die now. The pink monkeys command me to.

ANAKID  
No, don't!

SHMUT  
It's too late. The drugs...too much...overdose.  
I...have...earned...my...paycheck...

Shmut dies.

Anakid goes crazy and goes outside. He starts killing the Tusken bikers!

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, YODA'S ROOM

Yoda senses something.

FANBOY'S VOICE  
No! Lucas! No, don't, noooo!!

YODA  
Pain, I sense, terrible pain! In danger, the Original Editions of the Original Trilogy are.  
Something terrible has happened.  
Replaced with Special Editions, I fear they have been...

INT. GEONOSIS CITY, CONFERENCE ROOM

Obi-Wan, after successfully avoiding capture, has snuck into the city, and listens in on an important meeting.

COUNT CAPE  
Now we must join forces with more cartoon characters, then nothing in the universe will stop us from having our own merchandizing empire!

FAKE ALIEN #1  
What about PetMe? Is she dead?

COUNT CAPE  
I had complete faith in the assassin I hired. Too bad he turned out to be an idiot who gave up and went home to spend quality time with his annoying clone son!

CARTOON CHARACTER  
We will join you, as long as we get to have a spin-off cartoon series.

Obi-Wan has heard enough. He sneaks outside to send a message to his friends.

INT. PETME'S SHIP (TATOOINE) - MORNING

Artoo is inside PetMe's ship, which is parked close to the homestead. He receives Obi-Wan's message.

OBI-WAN (hologram)  
Give this message to Anakin!

Artoo stays where he is. If nobody is going to let him do anything cool in this episode, he's certainly not going to deliver any urgent messages on time!

INT. HOMESTEAD, GARAGE - DAY

Anakid has returned with his dead mother. In the garage he needs to get rid of his frustrations.

PETME  
I brought my whip. Shall I whip and spank the frustration out of you?

ANAKID  
Why did she have to die?!

PETME  
Anakiddie, what's wrong?

ANAKID  
What do you mean, 'what's wrong' ?  
My mother is dead! What do you think is wrong?!

PETME  
Oh, yeah, stupid question.

ANAKID  
I killed them all. The bikers, and the fanboys, and the critics too! I hate them! They're like Ewoks, and I slaughtered them like Ewoks!

PETME  
Okay... I'm going away now. You just stay here, and I'll be back soon with some nice people in uniform who are going to take you with them and ask you a few questions, okay?

Oh no! PetMe is going to call the cops! Anakid is in trouble! He must do something! Only a mindtrick can save Anakid now!

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You will not call the cops.

PETME  
I will not call the cops.

ANAKID  
You feel sorry for me.

PETME  
I feel sorry for you.

ANAKID  
It's okay. I'm only human.

PETME  
It's okay. You're only human.

ANAKID  
Let me touch your booty and cop a feel for comfort.

PETME  
Here. Touch my booty and cop a feel for comfort.

ANAKID  
Oh, yeah. I'm good.

EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY

Everybody has gathered around Shmut's grave. PetMe is dressed in the traditional Nabooty funeral clothes: a tight white jumpsuit with matching scarf and a designer blaster strapped to her leg.

ANAKID  
I won't fail again, mom. I promise I will save the Original Editions of the Original Trilogy from destruction.

Then Artoo finally delivers the message.

PETME  
Artoo-Detoo! You lazy droid! We had our chat in the garage, dug Shmut's grave, carved a tombstone, buried her, and said are goodbyes, and only now do you deliver the super urgent message!

Anakid, PetMe, Artoo, and C-3PO get in the ship.

INT. PETME'S SHIP (TATOOINE)

The message is played.

OBI-WAN (hologram)  
Count Cape is the bad guy...I think... He has joined forces with cartoon characters and is producing thousands of life-size action figures!

INT. PALPATINE'S OFFICE

The message is also played in Palpatine's office, where everybody important just happened to be.

PALPATINE  
No, no. This happens a bit later, but is simply shown simultaneously to save time.

YODA  
Inconsistent with rest of Saga this is. Always in correct chronological order, scenes have been.

JIMMY SMITS  
We must go to war. It's the coolest thing to do.

PALPATINE  
Yes. We need some action. But first we will need to establish a dictatorship to be able to use our CG army.

EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY

Cliegg, Owen, and Beru stand outside when they suddenly see PetMe's ship taking off!

CLIEGG  
They left without saying goodbye!

UNCLE OWEN  
They took C-3PO! Stop! Thieves!

INT. GEONOSIS, DUNGEON

Obi-Wan hangs in a blue special effect. Count Cape pays him a visit...

COUNT CAPE  
I explained the plot to the Jedi Council, but they wouldn't listen.

OBI-WAN  
Then explain it again in another conference room scene later in this episode.

COUNT CAPE  
No, I will have that scene deleted! It's a pity our paths have never crossed, despite the fact that your master, Qui-Gon Jinn, was once my apprentice.

OBI-WAN  
I don't believe you.

COUNT CAPE  
It's true. We have a history, from a certain point of view.

OBI-WAN  
The point of view that this is the first time I have heard this!

COUNT CAPE  
Join me Obi-Wan, and together we will destroy the Special Editions!

OBI-WAN  
Sounds like a good idea. Okay.

COUNT CAPE  
Uhm, no. I was only speaking 'epic'. I didn't mean it.

OBI-WAN  
Oh, okay.

INT. PETME'S SHIP (GEONOSIS)

Our friends have landed on Geonosis and have hidden their ship in a huge shaft on a conveniently placed landing platform.

PETME  
Let me do the talking and stay calm. Perhaps we can find a diplomatic solution.

ANAKID  
Okay.

They exit the ship and enter a building.

INT. GEONOSIS, CORRIDOR

Anakid and PetMe walk through a corridor. Behind them loads of CG Geonosians crawl and make silly noises!

PETME  
What's that noise?

ANAKID  
I don't hear anything. I'll use my super sensitive Force senses to scan the area for trouble.

It works! Anakid notices the many Geonosians who stand right behind him making silly noises!

Anakid starts slashing the beings!

ANAKID  
You call this a diplomatic solution?

PETME  
We could have had a diplomatic solution if you hadn't started killing all these innocent people!

INT. GEONOSIS, ACTION FIGURE FACTORY

Anakid, PetMe, Artoo-Detoo, and C-3PO arrive in a giant action figure factory and get suckered into the production of a toy commercial.

Soon however, Anakid and PetMe are captured.

INT. METROPOLIS, SENATE

The moment of truth has arrived.

JAR JAR  
Mesa gonna help Palpatine form da Empire!

PALPATINE  
I promise you I will use my dictatorial powers to lower the taxes on booty-wax...

Everybody cheers!

PALPATINE  
...and form an evil Empire.

Everybody is still cheering, so nobody hears him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
It is done then. I'll go to Geonosis and kick some ass. It's about time!

YODA  
Go to Kamino I will, and check out clones. Should have done this sooner, I suppose. Hope nobody else has picked them up in our name, I do. Also hope I can fly to Kamino, talk to Kaminoans, pay them, find transportation, load clones into transports, fly to Geonosis, form battle plan, and deploy troops in time to save your sorry ass I do!

INT. GEONOSIS, TUNNEL OF LOVE - DAY

Anakid and PetMe are on a cart in a tunnel.

ANAKID  
Don't be afraid. They're only going to slaughter us in an entertaining way.

PETME  
I'm not afraid. I've been dying a bit each day since we met again.  
You're so terrible! If only HurtMe was here! My favourite handmaiden! Oh HurtMe, HurtMe!

Anakid is annoyed with this lesbo stuff.

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You love me.

PETME  
I love you.

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You want to be with me forever.

PETME  
I want to be with you forever.

That won't be difficult, because they're about to die!

EXT. GEONOSIS, ARENA - DAY

Anakid and PetMe are chained to poles in the middle of an arena! Obi-Wan is also chained to a pole!

ANAKID  
We can use the Force to open the chains!

OBI-WAN  
No! That would be too easy.

PETME  
I'm sure they'll release us from the chains so we can try to run away from their big, hungry animals, so that the spectators get some enjoyment.

COUNT CAPE  
No! That would be too obvious. We'll leave you chained up and let the animals come to you.

This happens, but of course our heroes manage to break free from their chains!

Being a good host, Cape explains the action to his guests.

COUNT CAPE  
As you can see the Arena Beast Sequence is symbolic for the loss of innocence of the characters, especially PetMe. She entered the arena through the vulva-shaped entrance and was chained to a phallic-shaped pole. She then climbed up to the top - or head if you will - and lost part of her virgin-white symbolic tight clothing by being attacked by a giant pussy. Her adult cravings got the best of her. The giant pussy was then slain by Anakid on a horned animal - symbol of his testosterone-laden masculinity. Urged on by the man, PetMe then jumped from the phallic-symbol in her white suit - ejaculating as you will - and landed crotch first on top of the man-symbol-beast and - as a sign of acceptance and submissiveness - sat behind her future husband and kissed him gently as a reward. Then they rode off together.  
All was well, until the other, more experienced man - the master - sat behind her and touched her booty, threatening to take control of the situation away from the young man. This whole symbolic thing will have its continuation later.

PETME  
So that's why this turns me on.

FAKE ALIEN #1  
I don't want her excited! I want her dead! A Fett, kill her!

A Fett moves forward... SLASH!

A Fett is dead! Samuel L. Jackson has killed him!

OBI-WAN  
Hey! I was supposed to kill him! I had this macho thing going on with him!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Shut up! I'm cooler than you!

To demonstrate this point Sam also kills little Boba Fett!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Die bitch!

COUNT CAPE  
You can't do that! Boba is needed in the Original Trilogy!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Just use another clone. They all look the same, and besides, you never get to see Boba's face in the Original Trilogy anyway.

COUNT CAPE  
Oh, yeah. Good point, master Windu.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON  
Windu? Who's Windu?

COUNT CAPE  
You are. Your character's name is Mace Windu.

MACE WINDU  
Cool. Now this episode is over, you sad bunch of mofos!

A whole bunch of Jedi Knights enters the arena! They jump around and wave their glowing sticks! Our friends are saved!

COUNT CAPE  
I don't think so.

Suddenly loads of CG droids enter the arena and start killing the Jedi!  
CG Geonosians join the battle!

CG droids and Geonosians fight real and CG Jedi Knights!

C-3PO and Artoo-Detoo are there too!

C-3PO  
Help me Artoo! Or else I'm going to make gay jokes!

It's too late, but in the end Artoo saves his friend. At last he got to do something!

ANAKID  
You call this a diplomatic solution?

PETME  
No! I call this CG overkill!

Soon only a few Jedi, Anakid, and PetMe survive. They will soon have their booties spanked for the very last time...

Then Yoda and the CG clones come flying in with CG helicopters!  
They're saved again!

YODA  
Battle other CG army you must, my CG army!

EXT. GEONOSIS, BATTLEFIELD - DAY

The CG army battles the CG army, while CG Jedi and other CG things also fight and do stuff!

CG CLONETROOPER  
The CG army has been surrounded and is in full retreat, Master Yoda.

YODA  
Damn! Lost, we have!

CG CLONETROOPER  
No, I mean the other CG army.

YODA  
Oh, good. Won, we have then!

INT. CG HELICOPTER

Meanwhile in their helicopter, Obi-Wan, Anakid, and PetMe follow Count Cape, who flies a silly speederbike.  
Then the helicopter is hit!  
PetMe and a clonetrooper fall out!

PETME  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

ANAKID  
PetMe!

OBI-WAN  
Forget about her. Her booty is too distracting.

ANAKID  
No! I want booty-action with her!

OBI-WAN  
Come to your senses! What would she do in your place?!

ANAKID  
She would petition to have the Original Original Trilogy released on Blu-Ray.

They fly on.

EXT. GEONOSIS, DUNES - DAY

Luckily PetMe fell on some conveniently located sand dunes on this rocky planet. Sadly, she's in pain.

PETME  
Aarch! My back is broken!

CG CLONETROOPER  
Are you alright?

PetMe jumps up.

PETME  
Sure. No problem. Let's go to that hangar!

CG CLONETROOPER  
What hangar?

PETME  
The hangar Count Cape and my friends are flying to.

CG CLONETROOPER  
I can't see it from here. Are you sure they're flying to a hangar?

PETME  
Where else would Cape go to? A ship hidden in the desert, or under ground? No, he must have placed his ship in a secret hangar in some mountain, far away from the other hangars, so it's not too easy to reach.

CG CLONETROOPER  
How do you know which hangar we need to go to?

PETME  
Oh! We'll just pick one!

CG CLONETROOPER  
So you don't really know which hangar they are in, or even if they're in a hangar at all?

PETME  
Okay. You win. Now let's go looking for them.

INT. SECRET HANGAR

Cape is about to enter his ship, when Anakid and Obi-Wan come running in.

ANAKID  
You will pay for all the deleted scenes and initial intentions and ideas that never made it into this episode, Cape!

COUNT CAPE  
Young fool. Only with the DVD and novelization and rationalizations will you be able to defeat the nonsense. Now back down. I'm better than you.

To demonstrate his superior skills Cape injures Obi-Wan, then he fights Anakid.

ANAKID  
You won't turn me to the Dark Side, no matter how much you tempt me!  
Even if I have tasted the power of the Dark Side before and slaughtered a bunch of people!  
You will not make me lose my mind now, no matter how hard you try!

COUNT CAPE  
Good. I won't try then.

ANAKID  
Huh? No dramatic fight?

Cape takes advantage of Anakid's confusion and chops off one of his arms.

ANAKID  
Ouch.

Anakid is down too!

COUNT CAPE  
This lack of drama involving the main character has made me tired. I will leave now.

YODA  
So fast, you must not be, Cape.

Yoda walks in!

COUNT CAPE  
Yoda. I hope you don't want to fight me with a lightsaber. That would look silly.

YODA  
With the Force, we shall play then.

They play around with the Force a bit.

COUNT CAPE  
It is obvious that our fighting serves no purpose. The climactic fight scene should involve the main character in a dramatic way, so that he may be further developed.

YODA  
Fight you, I will! Yaaaaah!

Yoda whips out his little lightsaber, jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces and slashes!

Soon however, he gets tired.

YODA  
Fought well you have, my old Padawan!

COUNT CAPE  
Fought insanely stupid and ridiculous you have, my old Master! Hey, hang on! I didn't know I was once your padawan!

YODA  
Say that to everyone I fight, for no good reason I do.

COUNT CAPE  
You disgrace me with your pointless presence, silly antics, and meaningless dialogue, Yoda. I will leave now.

YODA  
Okay. Bye.

Cape gets in his ship and flies away.

PetMe runs in.

PETME  
Did I miss anything?

OBI-WAN  
No. In fact, you're very lucky you didn't get to see that.

INT. METROPOLIS, SECRET SITH PLACE - TWILIGHT

Count Cape has arrived in the secret Sith place, where his master the ROTJ Emperor * awaits him.

* (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

COUNT CAPE  
I bring good news, my master. The episode is almost over.

ROTJ EMPEROR  
Well done, lord Tyranus. Everything is going as planned.

COUNT CAPE  
Well...everything except for the fact that the bounty hunter I hired to kill PetMe happened to use a dart that was recognized by some guy who happened to know Obi Wan; and that Obi-Wan then discovered the clone army before you had the Military Creation Act passed in the Senate; and before my droid army was fully completed and deployed throughout the Galaxy; and that this army was discovered and part of it was destroyed, as well as many droid factories; and that I almost got killed in the process. But, yes, apart from all that everything went according to plan.

ROTJ EMPEROR  
No. All those things were part of my plan. I had foreseen it all.

COUNT CAPE  
Oh, come on! That's just stupid!

ROTJ EMPEROR  
Okay, so I just said a throw-away bad guy line! What do you want to hear? 'Everything is going according to plan, except for the things that didn't go according to plan, but we adapted our strategy and came out as the winners anyway'?

COUNT CAPE  
Yeah, that would be fine with me.

ROTJ EMPEROR  
You still have much to learn about throw-away lines, my evil apprentice.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - TWILIGHT

Obi-Wan meets with Mace Windu and Yoda.

MACE WINDU  
Where is your apprentice?

OBI-WAN  
He's taking PetMe back to Nabooty. I only hope they don't have any booty-action. He said something about that I think.  
Have you discovered what all this stuff about separatists, and armies and all that was all about?

MACE WINDU  
The Prequels have become unreliable. It's best we just go with the flow.

YODA  
Begun, this Clone War, has.

OBI-WAN  
Weren't there supposed to be Clone Wars? I remember saying something like that in an upcoming episode.

YODA  
Semantics, matter they do not anymore.

MACE WINDU  
So it's called the Clone War. Who came up with this? Did this person know there was going to be a war, and did he name it in advance, only so he could refer to it later and look cool?

YODA  
No. Made it up just now, I did.  
Sounds cool, does it not? Clone war... Nice ring to it, it has.

Obi-Wan and Mace Windu agree.

EXT. METROPOLIS, MILITARY STAGING AREA - TWILIGHT

Palpatine, Jimmy Smits, and others look on as CG clonetroopers are loaded into CG ships. Jimmy balls his fist and bangs a railing in frustration.

JIMMY SMITS  
No! No! I still don't know what my character's name is! Am I even on the right set?!

EXT. NABOOTY, SUMMER HOUSE, BALCONY - DAY

Anakid and PetMe get married.

PETME  
Hang on! Where does this marriage come from? I don't remember planning a marriage, or falling in love, or anything like that!

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You love me.

PETME  
I love you.

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You want to marry me.

PETME  
I want to marry you.

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You want booty-action with me.

PETME  
I want booty-action with you.

ANAKID (mindtricking)  
You will always do the laundry, do the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the house, make dinner, get a boob-job, dress sexy, and invite your handmaidens and girlfriends over for some extra booty-fun.

PETME  
I will always do the laundry, do the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the house, make dinner, get a boob-job, dress sexy, and invite my handmaidens and girlfriends over for some extra booty-fun. AAAAARCH!

Oh no! PetMe's peaceful and fragile Nabooty mind has SNAPPED under the constant and heavy pressure of Anakid's super-mindtrick!  
She is now his slave! Doing everything he wants! Anakid has succeeded where BangMe had failed!  
PetMe might be lost forever!

Will we ever find out if PetMe will make it through in one piece? Will she ever escape the super-mindtrick and regain her senses?  
What will happen next?!

QUI-GON JINN'S GHOST  
Hey! What about me?!

FADE OUT.

**THE END  
(OR ACTUALLY, TO BE CONTINUED IN: EPISODE 3: A VERY BIG EXPLOSION)**


	4. The Crapuels, Episode 3: A Very Big Expl...

And so it is time for Episode 3, that one that really matters, the one were everything we were told in the Original Trilogy happens in detail. I wonder if there will be any nasty surprises...

By Darth SillyName, the Dynamic Villain  
2003, 2009

* * *

Every Trilogy needs a third episode...  
Every Saga needs a middle...  
Every Franchise runs out of steam...

A not so long time from now, in a galaxy we've lost interest in...

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

A vast sea of stars serves as the background to the title and a roll-up, which speeds away into infinity...

**STAR WARS**

**EPISODE III**

**A VERY BIG EXPLOSION**

The clone war has turned into clone warS, and those came to an end after Count Cape was killed.  
Palpatine quickly revealed himself as the evil Dark Lord of the Sith, and has killed a whole bunch of Jedi; has taken over the Republic; and has now formed an Evil Empire.  
Anakid Skywalker turned to the Dark Side and then fell in lava. Requiring a cybernetic suit to survive, he has turned into Darth Vader.  
Unknown to Vader, he is the father of the twins Luke and Leia. Their mother PetMe died shortly after.  
While Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda go into hiding, the brave Chewbacca The Wookiee has come up with a plan to erase the memories of the droids Artoo-Detoo and See-Threepio...

PAN DOWN

Through the vast sea of stars to reveal A VERY BIG EXPLOSION!

Out of the explosion come floating the famous droids Artoo Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO).

C-3PO  
What the hell was that?

Artoo whistles. The poor little droid doesn't have a clue either.

A spaceship - a Blockade Runner - the Tantiv IV, flies towards the two droids and a tractor-beam is used to suck them inside.

Behind them, a lone Wookiee space-fighter from the Kashyyk Defense Force flies away.

INT. WOOKIEE SPACE-FIGHTER, COCKPIT

Chewbacca is at the controls. The brave Wookiee looks on as the droids are pulled inside the Tantiv IV.

Chewbacca growls, then pulls the hyperspace-lever towards him.

The stars outside the cockpit window turn into streaking lights as the small ship enters the alternate dimension of Hyperspace...

FADE OUT.

**THE END  
(OR ACTUALLY: TO BE UPDATED IN EPISODE 3: REVENGE OF THE VERY BIG EXPLOSION - Under Construction - since 2005...)**


	5. The Craptacular Editions, Episode 4: An ...

And so we arrive at the Craptacular Editions, the Original Trilogy 'fixed' to fit with the Crapuels...  
By Darth SillyName, the Dynamic Villain  
2003, 2009  


* * *

Every generation has a version...  
Every journey has a new step...  
Every saga has an update...

A not so long time ago in a familiar and small galaxy not so far away...

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...and beyond...

**STAR WARS**

**EPISODE IV**

**AN UPDATED HOPE**

After not winning a battle for the last twenty years, one cell of the Rebel Alliance has finally been victorious - sort of, because now those poor fools are about to be captured.  
Senator Princess Leia Organa Naberrie Amidala Skywalker of Alderaan and Nabooty has won the plans for the second (see some inevitable Expanded Universe story, possibly a cartoon) Death Star from the greedy Techno Union after betting on a Pod-Race on Malastare.  
Pursued by her father, the evil mysterious former Jedi Darth Vader, once known as Anakid Skywalker, Leia races to the famous planet Tatooine where she will drop off the plans somewhere in the hope they will be found by a former Jedi who she doesn't even know for sure is still alive...

PAN DOWN

Through a vast sea of stars to reveal...

A commercial for the Hyper$pace subscription service on the Star Wars website.

Then a rebel Blockade Runner flies over the desert planet Tatooine, the same Tatooine we saw in the previous three movies.

INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER, CORRIDOR

CG Imperial Clone Troopers enter the ship and shoot CG cartoon alien rebel soldiers. The soldiers are stunned and drop down unconscious.

INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER, ANOTHER CORRIDOR

Leia must hide the plans somewhere...

LEIA  
Don't worry. We've got Artoo with us!

Leia puts the top secret plans in R2-D2.

R2-D2 rolls to an escape pod and C-3PO joins him.

SEE-THREEPIO  
(Note by George Lucas: Dialogue to be entered later, during shooting of scene).

Then Leia is captured by CG Clonetroopers.

EXT. SPACE, BLOCKADE RUNNER

The pod flies away. It is not the only one. Thousands and thousands of CG escape pods fly away from the ship. All are blown away by the massive CG guns of the mighty Destroyer - except one, labeled 1138...

INT. BLOCKADE RUNNER, YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR

Leia is brought before DARTH VADER.

LEIA  
Father...I mean Vader! Only you could be so bald...I mean bold.

DARTH VADER  
Now Senator, at last we have you in our custody. It was your destiny!

OFFICER  
Lord Vader, two droids have escaped to an area on Tatooine, close to the Jundland Wastes. One R2 unit, and one protocol droid.

DARTH VADER  
Hmm... That is close to where the Lars family lived...and where my mother was killed. Why would Jimmy Smits' daughter go here? Why doesn't Leia look like Jimmy Smits at all? Why was Jimmy Smits' wife never pregnant? And I used to know an R2 unit and a protocol droid. Something's wrong. I sense a disturbance.

OFFICER  
That's the beans we had for lunch, my Lord.

EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - DAY

Threepio and Artoo walk through the desert.

SEE-THREEPIO  
It's so hot! Shut me down and call me gay! I wish I were CG, instead of a guy in a suit!

Artoo bleeps, extends his rocket-boosters, and flies away, but is then shot down by flying Geonosians!

SEE-THREEPIO  
Oh no! Geonosians! They come from the planet Geonosis, which is located less than a parsec from Tatooine!

The Geonosians suddenly vanish as the animator is incapacitated by a sun-stroke.

Threepio and Artoo are then captured by Jawas.

JAWA  
Ooteenie!

EXT. TATOOINE, LARS HOMESTEAD - LATER

The homestead from 'Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot!'.

Owen Lars checks out some droids that are lined up by the Jawas.

Luke Skywalker runs to join Owen, but trips over a gravestone.

LUKE  
What the...! That thing wasn't here the other day! What does it say?  
"Here lies Shmut Skywalker. Loving wife of Cliegg Lars and the Midichlorians. Mother of Anakid Skywalker. You have failed me for the last time, foolish son.  
P.S.  
This gravestone was placed here by Owen Lars in between several short scenes.

Luke gets up.

LUKE  
Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru wants a droid that speaks Bocce.

Owen checks out See-Threepio.

OWEN  
Do you speak Bocce?

SEE-THREEPIO  
Yes. The last time someone needed me to speak Bocce was that sweet seventeen year old girl Beru, back when I lived on a moisture farm not unlike this one, on this very same planet.

OWEN  
Good, we haven't had a droid who speaks Bocce since our last one was stolen by Luke's father.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Master Owen? Is that you?!

OWEN  
Shut up. I'll have Luke erase your memory, because obviously someone forgot to do that.

Owen buys Threepio and R4-P17.

LUKE  
Uncle Owen, this R4 unit is only a head!*

*(See Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot)

Owen turns to the Jawa leader.

OWEN  
Hey, what's all this then?

JAWA  
Ooteenie!

OWEN  
I already married a teenie! I'll just take that familiar looking R2 unit. I just hope this one is not as lazy as the last one I met.  
It took that no good piece of junk hours to deliver a very important message from Obi-Wan!*

*(See Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot)

INT. MOISTURE FARM, GARAGE - LATE DAY

Luke and the droids are in the garage. R2 plays part of a holographic message.

LEIA (hologram)  
Help me, Commander Chewbacca. You're our only hope, together with General Obi-Wan Kenobi.

INT. MOISTURE FARM, MAIN ROOM - EVENING

Luke, Owen and Beru are having diner and blue milk.

OWEN  
I think the milk has gone bad again.

LUKE  
I think R2 belongs to an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Would that be the same guy as Ben Kenobi?

OWEN  
Who is Ben Kenobi?

LUKE  
Wasn't he in the prequels?

OWEN  
No, but Obi-Wan died around the same time as your father and the Star Wars saga.

LUKE  
Speaking of my father, who was his father? My grandfather? I read on that stone that his name was 'Midichlorians'.

OWEN  
It is too painful to discuss.

LUKE  
I want to know.

OWEN  
You will erase the memories of those droids, destroy that tombstone, and never talk about the prequels ever again!

Luke runs away.

BERU  
He has too much of his grandfather in him.

OWEN  
We need to give him more blue milk, to flush out those little midi bastards.

EXT. TATOOINE, MOISTURE FARM - TWILIGHT

Luke goes outside to look out into the desert, as the binary suns set, but we quickly cut away to steal some much needed screen time for CG action scenes later in the movie.

EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - THE NEXT DAY

Luke and Threepio have found Artoo.

Tusken Bikers attack them!

LUKE  
Ah!

TUSKEN  
Uncle Owen never told you what happened to your grandmother.

LUKE  
He told me enough. He told me you kidnapped, tortured, raped, and killed her!

TUSKEN  
No. I am your grandmother!

LUKE  
What?!

The Tuskens run away laughing.

LUKE  
What was that all about?!

An old black man suddenly stands behind Luke.

MACE  
Perhaps it was a symbolic warning from the future, instigated by the Force through the midichlorians.

LUKE  
Who are you?

MACE  
I am Mace Windu.

LUKE  
So you're not Obi-Wan Kenobi?

MACE  
No. I used to be, but my character is played by a more popular and bankable actor, so they changed all that. Come now, the Tuskens are easily distracted by lame parodies, but they will come back. I don't want you to slaughter them like animals.

LUKE  
Why would I?

MACE  
I don't know. To impress a girl maybe...

Then Mace spots Threepio and Artoo.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Look Artoo! It's Mace Windu, chairman of the Jedi Council!

Artoo bleeps.

LUKE  
You know these droids?

MACE  
Nah, I simply used to be a famous person throughout the entire galaxy. It makes sense that nobody recognizes me except for some lame droid.

INT. MACE'S MANSION - DAY

Luke, the droids, and Mace are in the old man's luxurious CG mansion. Several Twilek babes play around the CG pool.

MACE  
The Force is an energy field kept together by the midichlorians - microscopic life-forms that live inside our cells. The Force surrounds us and penetrates us, and sometimes it even impregnates us.

LUKE  
Huh?

MACE  
Your father wasn't much of a star pilot, and not a very cunning warrior either. He was certainly nobody's friend. It's a good thing he never followed anyone on some damned fool idealistic crusade!  
He was involved in an off-screen war, after several thousand solar systems had seceded from the Republic. Which was very mysterious, because there is only one SOLAR system in the entire universe, as opposed to countless STAR systems. It's also a mystery why they wanted to secede...that was never explained. But they were led by a Dark Lord named Count Cape, who was a former Jedi and a political idealist and also very mysterious, because I don't know why he left the Order or what his ideals were. Anyway, at some point he turned to evil somehow and worked together with Darth PalpaSidious, who was really Palpatine, who would become the Emperor from the Sixth Episode, and this war happened and your father fought in it....I think.

LUKE  
So he kind of sucked?

MACE  
Yes, but at least he was a Jedi apprentice learner padawan.

LUKE  
That's not what my uncle told me.

MACE  
Your uncle barely knew your father.  
He never really had an opinion on what your father should have done.  
Oh yeah, here is a lightsaber you can pretend was your father's. A brutal weapon for some serious hacking and slashing. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Which is strange, because the Old Republic only existed for a thousand years.

LUKE  
Huh?

MACE  
Your father was already good at telling Artoo to switch off the auto-pilot of a fighter, then getting hit, flying into a battle station by accident and then accidentally blowing up a reactor that was conveniently placed inside a hangar. You must also learn to do those things, if you are to go on a hero's journey.

LUKE  
I get to go on a hero's journey - on a starship?! Yippeee!

MACE  
Uhm, no, wait. I suddenly remember that you're not the hero or main character of the saga at all.  
You're important - sort of - but your father Anakid is the true main character and the true hero of the saga. He is the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force. You're just a tool. Hell, you weren't even created by the midichlorians!

LUKE  
I'll just stay on the farm then?

MACE  
No, you can't. The farm has been destroyed and your uncle and aunt have been killed. It's no longer considered PG, so you can't see it.

LUKE  
What?! Oh no! Why?!

MACE  
I have seen it through the Force. I was fortunate that this time the Dark Side wasn't clouding my vision and limiting my abilities. But I guess that was always nonsense anyway, because the Jedi never could see everything everywhere and the future is always in motion and unclear, so...hmm.  
It's actually a bit the fault of the Jedi. You see, the Jedi took this vow of poverty or something, and many had these brown robes as clothes. Many farmers and poor people also had these clothes, and when the Empire started killing Jedi...well...let's just say this look has gone out of fashion...

LUKE  
Huh?

MACE  
Let's just play that hologram shall we?

The hologram plays.

LEIA (hologram)  
...General Kenobi, you served my father in the clone wars. Now he needs your help. This droid carries the secret plans some Expanded Universe character first discovered twenty years ago. Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, you and General Chewbacca of the Kashyyk Defense Force are our only hope!

LUKE  
General Kenobi?! Clone Wars?! Wow!

MACE  
Strange girl. Must be on drugs. I never knew a General Kenobi, only a Jedi Master Kenobi. And he never served Jimmy Smits. And there never were clone warS. Just one clone war. Which reminds me, why did Yoda call it the clone war when it had only just started? Did he know it was going to happen? Did he read the screenplay early? I can't remember. Now let's go to Mos Eisley, a silly place filled with bad slapstick and cheap, outdated computer animations. We must be cautious not to step in any poop.

EXT. SPACE, METROPOLIS - ESTABLISHING

A 1 minute CG establishing shot of the CG planet.

EXT. METROPOLIS, SENATE BUILDINGS - MORE ESTABLISHING

A 2 minute CG establishing shot of some buildings.

INT. SENATE BUILDING, HALLWAYS - EVEN MORE ESTABLISHING

A 3 minute CG establishing shot of the inside of the senate building.

INT. SENATE (METROPOLIS)

The great CG galactic senate is in session on the CG planet Metropolis.

Emperor Sith Lord Darth PalpaSidious (ESLDPS) stands up and speaks.

ESLDPS  
I dissolve the senate. I don't need you guys anymore, because I'm really an evil Dark Lord of the Sith!

The senators are shocked. They didn't see this one coming after twenty years of repression and murders.

SENATOR ET  
Does this have anything to do with our support for the Rebellion?

ESLDPS  
Yes, of course, stupid! I will sweep the last remnants of the Old Republic away.

SENATOR WOOKIEE  
That's impossible! How will you maintain control without the bureaucracy?

ESLDPS  
The regional governors now have direct control over territories.  
Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of my second battle station. This one will not be so easily destroyed.*

* (See some inevitable Expanded Universe story, possibly some cartoon)

One of the senators, a Gungan, stands up.

JAR JAR  
Mesa propose da motion to taka away da emergency powers from Palpatine and vote for some thingee of no confidence.

ASSEMBLY  
Vote now! Vote now!

The emperor fires Force-lightning from his hands and kills everybody!

JAR JAR  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarch!

INT. SHUTTLE

Darth Vader approaches the mighty Death Star in his shuttle.

Vader speaks to his emperor, who appears before him as a hologram.

ESLDPS  
The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've dissolved the council permanently.  
The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

DARTH VADER  
That's impossible! How will you maintain control without the bureaucracy?

ESLDPS  
The regional governors now have direct control over territories.  
Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of our battle station.

INT. DEATH STAR, HANGAR

Tarkin has been alerted to prepare for Vader's arrival, and greets him as he lands.

DARTH VADER  
The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. The Emperor has dissolved the council permanently.  
The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

TARKIN  
That's impossible! How will he maintain control without the bureaucracy?

DARTH VADER  
The regional governors now have direct control over territories.  
Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

INT. DEATH STAR, CONFERENCE ROOM

Tarkin and Vader enter a conference room where they meet several Expanded Universe Officers.

TARKIN  
The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently.  
The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

EXPANDED UNIVERSE CHARACTER  
That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

TARKIN  
The regional governors now have direct control over territories.  
Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this battle station.

DARTH VADER  
I sense redundancy. Perhaps that senate scene was too much.

TARKIN  
It was needed to tie the Prequel Trilogy and the Original Trilogy together, my friend.

DARTH VADER  
No, it wasn't.

TARKIN  
Yes, it was. How else would the audience accept this movie, if it was not for the appearance of the emperor and saying everything at least twice?

DARTH VADER  
I find you lack of faith in the intelligence of the audience disturbing. Besides, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force, as long as the ability to use the Force is not limited by any clouds.

EXPANDED UNIVERSE CHARACTER  
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort.

DARTH VADER  
First of all, it's not a real religion. Second, what is this thing about tapes in a galaxy where everything is so high tech? Third, I don't have enough clairvoyance because the Light Side of the Force is clouding my vision...or something...

EXT. TATOOINE, MOS EISLEY - DAY

Luke, Mace and the droids enter Mos Eisley Spaceport. They are stopped by a bunch of CG clonetroopers and funny CG droids.

CG CLONETROOPER  
Where did you get those droids?

Mace activates his purple Electrum-Saber and SLASHES the CG droids! The clonetroopers run away in fear.

LUKE  
Why didn't you kill the troopers?

MACE  
A Jedi only slashes humanoids as a last resort. We usually only fight CG droids.

INT. CANTINA (MOS EISLEY)

Luke and Mace enter the Mos Eisley cantina, a place filled with scum and villainy, and CG cartoon characters.  
A CG cartoon character band plays an extended musical number for five minutes, interupted only by a commercial selling their limited edition (for a few months anyway before it is available everywhere) action figure boxset (including limited edition silver painted plastic coin).

An alien offers Luke a Deathstick. Mace waves his hand.

MACE  
You don't want to sell Deathsticks.

ALIEN  
I don't want to sell Deathsticks.

MACE  
Move along.

ALIEN  
Moving along!

The alien exits.

LUKE  
How did you do that?

MACE  
A Jedi can use the Mind-trick to send away drug dealers and get bargain deals on hyperdrives, as long as the alien is not immune to the Force.

LUKE  
Perhaps you should have used that trick with those troopers, instead of slashing and hacking.

MACE  
Hmm....use the Mind-trick to evade capture, instead of fighting a whole bunch of troops and getting killed... Too bad you weren't around at the time of the Prequels, we could have used someone as wise as you!

LUKE  
I'm glad I wasn't there...

Another alien starts to annoy Luke. Mace quickly cuts off the alien's arm!

MACE  
Hmm, that reminds me of the time Obi-Wan cut off an arm at a bar.  
Strange how everything seems to be mirroring pointless events from long ago...

LUKE  
Whoa, deja vu.

Mace chats with an astronaut.

MACE  
Have you seen Chewbacca? Big, hairy guy?

ASTRONAUT  
Yeah, he's standing right next to me.

MACE  
Chewbacca!! It's been a long time, old friend!

Chewbacca growls and is happy to see Mace.

MACE  
Luke, this is General Chewbacca.  
We fought together during the clone war.

Chewbacca leads them to Han Solo.

MACE  
No! It can't be! THE Han Solo?! The Han Solo who had been written into the script of Episode 3 as an annoying boy who lived with the Wookiees but was then deleted because it would have been too silly, even for George Lucas?

HAN  
The same. Join me later at the Falcon.

MACE  
THE Millennium Falcon?!

HAN  
I knew you were going to say that.

Luke, Mace, and Chewie leave.

Greedo, a CG bounty hunter, approaches Han.

GREEDO  
It is time for you to die, Solo.

HAN  
I don't believe in violence. I would be a bad role model if I did.

Greedo shoots...and misses...

HAN  
Violence doesn't solve anything, my friend. Here, let me buy you a drink, without alcohol of course.  
Perhaps you should rethink your direction in life.

GREEDO  
Perhaps I should!

INT. DOCKING BAY 1138 - DAY

Han and Chewie meet Jabba the Hutt in the docking bay.

JABBA  
It is time for you to die, Solo.

HAN  
I've already had this conversation with Greedo, so this scene is pointless.

JABBA  
Sorry.

Han steps on Jabba's tail and 'accidentally' slaps him in the face. Everybody laughs. Jabba and his men leave. An action figure who looks like Jango Fett stops and waves at the camera.

HAN  
It's Jango Fett! I thought he was dead! If it's not Jango, perhaps one day, years from now, we will find out his name.

The boys enter the docking bay and see the Falcon.

MACE  
At last I am reunited with my old ship!*

*(See some inevitable Expanded Universe story. Possibly a cartoon)

LUKE  
What a piece of unrealistic junk! It's not even CG!

HAN  
It will be soon.

They get in, the Falcon transforms to CG-mode and they fly away.

EXT. SPACE, ALDERAAN

The Death Star approaches Alderaan.

INT. DEATH STAR, CONTROL ROOM

Tarkin, Vader, and Leia look at Alderaan.

TARKIN  
Tell us where your secret base is or we will destroy your planet.

LEIA  
It wouldn't be a secret if I told you.

TARKIN  
Oh, come on.

LEIA  
Wait! Okay, I'll talk. Nabooty. It's on Nabooty.

TARKIN  
That's too far away. We'll blow up Alderaan anyway.

LEIA  
No! Alderaan is great! Nabooty is silly and stupid! Destroy Nabooty! Please!

TARKIN  
Activate the Beam Of Destruction!

A blue screen is activated.

INT. ALDERAAN, CG PALACE - DAY

Jimmy Smits looks up as the Death Star eclipses the sun.

JIMMY  
Activate the Ray Of Despair!

LEGAL AIDE  
My Lord, is that...legal?

JIMMY  
We must shoot first!

LEGAL AIDE  
That would be immoral.

JIMMY  
Aaaaaaaah!

EXT. SPACE

Alderaan is blown up in a CG explosion.

INT. FALCON

Luke is having some saber practice.

MACE  
Well done. You are now an accomplished sword-fighter.

LUKE  
Shouldn't I practice for at least ten years?

MACE  
Nah. Arch!

LUKE  
What is it?

MACE  
It's as if millions of fans cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear the Original Editions have been destroyed.

EXT. SPACE

The Falcon exits hyperspace and is hit by rocks.

INT. FALCON, COCKPIT

Everybody is shaken, not stirred.

HAN  
Asteroids! Alderaan is gone!

MACE  
Asteroids again?! Do we need those suckers in almost EVERY Star Wars movie?!

LUKE  
Look! A giant metal moon!

MACE  
That's no moon, that's a space station. Obviously I recognize it. It is the Death Star!

HAN  
Err...it wasn't really obvious that you recognized it...

They are pulled in by the ultra-powerful Tractor Beam Of Suck.

INT. DEATH STAR, TARKIN'S OFFICE

Darth Vader and Tarkin are 'chilling' when Vader suddenly feels something.

DARTH VADER  
Obi-Wan Kenobi!

TARKIN  
Surely he must be dead by now.

DARTH VADER  
What makes you think that? He's only 60 or so, and we never caught him.

INT. DEATH STAR, ANOTHER CONTROL ROOM

Han, Luke, Chewie, R2 and 3PO are in a control room. A giant green screen filled with CG controls in the background. Mace is gone. Chewie growls.

HAN  
You said it Chewie. Mace is a good friend from long ago and we have complete faith in him.

LUKE  
Let's go rescue the princess!

HAN  
As long as I don't get paid for it. That would be unethical.

The boys leave and the droids are left behind.

Soon CG clonetroopers enter. One of them bumps his head as he enters.

CG CLONETROOPER  
I wish the Kaminoan cloners would fix this genetic defect!

INT. DEATH STAR, CORRIDORS

The boys walk through the corridors of the Death Star.

HAN  
Too bad all those clonetroopers are CG, and none of their suits are real, or else we could have disguised ourselves as them.

INT. DEATH STAR, DETENTION BLOCK THX3271138

The boys enter the detention block and stun the Imperial officers. No blood or explosions at all. Luke opens a celldoor.

LEIA  
You can't be a clone, because you're white and blonde.

Troopers enter and they fight. They jump into a trash compactor.

After calling in the help of Threepio and Artoo, they make it out.

LUKE  
Wow! This really is a hero's journey!  
That trash compactor scene was like the 'belly of the whale' part of the mythological hero's journey. We got together in a tight situation and we came out with a deeper understanding of each other and all that stuff!

HAN  
How? Examples please.

LUKE  
Uhm...errr....never mind.

INT. DEATH STAR, ANOTHER CORRIDOR

Mace Windu walks through a corridor.

MACE  
Strange how that writing on that control panel was in a language from a galaxy not so far away.

Then Darth Vader stands there!

DARTH VADER  
At last we meet again, the circle of recurring themes, recycled bits and rip-offs is complete, Obi- hey! You're Mace Windu!

MACE  
Long story.

DARTH VADER  
When I left, I was but a Jedi Apprentice, now I am a Sith Apprentice.

MACE  
Only an apprentice of evil, Darth.

DARTH VADER  
I'm a machine, and my name is Vader! Darth is a title, stupid!

Vader shoots lightning from his hands! Mace catches the lightning with his saber. They clash sabers! Vader and Mace jump and bounce around and levitate and do all kinds of amazing(ly silly) stuff.

MACE  
If you strike me down, I won't become more powerful than you can imagine. I'll just be a ghost or something who talks too much.

Vader cuts down Mace.

LUKE  
Noooo!

MACE (V.O)  
Run, Luke! Run!

LUKE  
WTF!

Everybody enters the Falcon.

LUKE  
I keep thinking we forgot something.

Threepio and Artoo walk in.

LUKE  
The Death Star plans! Of course! We almost took off without Artoo!

The Falcon flies away.

INT. DEATH STAR, TARKIN'S OFFICE

TARKIN  
I'm taking a big chance with this.

DARTH VADER  
They will lead us to their base. I got the tracking device idea from my old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who used it in a previous episode.

TARKIN  
Lame. I bet someone will leak plans in a future episode too.

DARTH VADER  
This will be a day long remembered.  
It has seen the end of the Original Editions and it will see the end of good taste!

INT. REBEL BASE

All are gathered in front of a blue screen where the plans are displayed. Many CG aliens dressed in pilot uniforms listen with interest, concern and silly faces.

GENERAL OBVIOUS  
We fly into the trench and blow up the station with a single shot, just like we always do.

LUKE  
Shouldn't we evacuate? Just in case?

LEIA  
Nah. Let's just stay here and activate the mighty Count Down Machine!

A guy walks up to Luke.

BIGGS  
Hey Luke!

LUKE  
Who are you?

BIGGS  
I'm Biggs, your best friend from the deleted scenes. At last we are reunited, at last we shall have our revenge!

LUKE  
Go away freak. I've never seen you before.

EXT. SPACE, DEATH STAR

As one thousand identical CG rebel L-Wing (Left-Wing) fighters - all with the number 5 - battle one million CG Imperial TIE (This Is Exciting) fighters, Luke flies into the trench and is about to blow up the Death Star...

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
Use the Force, Luke!

LUKE  
Who's that?

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
I'm Obi-Wan, the Jedi Master who taught your father.

LUKE  
What happened to Mace?

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
He had to leave, because of conflicting schedules.

Now Luke has missed his shot. He is HIT!

LUKE  
Whoops!

Luke's X-Wing flies into a hangar by accident!

Finally he comes to a stop.

LUKE  
Everything's overheated!  
Take that!

Luke fires a torpedo which hits a reactor that was conveniently placed inside the hangar.

LUKE  
Oops!

Luke flies away.

LUKE  
Now this is Pod-Racing!

Luke flies out of the hangar and the Death Star blows up.

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
Luck will be with you, always.

INT. REBEL BASE, MAIN HALL

Luke and Han get their medals.

CHEWIE (in Wookiee, subtitled)  
Star Wars is racist! I deserve a medal too!

**THE END  
(ACTUALLY...TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE 5: ATTACK OF THE SNOW CLONES)**


	6. The Craptacular Editions, Episode 5: Att...

The Craptacular Editions, Episode 5: Attack Of The Snow Clones

2003, 2009  
By Darth Sillyname, the Dynamic Villain.

This is Episode 5 of the Craptacular Star Wars Saga!  
And it's the second episode of the Craptacular original editions!

Our heroes continue their struggle against the mighty Empire,  
and against bad taste and silly nonsense...

* * *

Every generation has a failure...  
Every journey has a bad step...  
Every saga has a disaster...

A short time ago in a well known and computer animated galaxy fairly close by...

**STAR WARS**

**EPISODE V**

**ATTACK OF THE SNOW CLONES**

A picture of a bunch of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...

Led by Luke Skywalker, the rebels have relocated to a place where studio space is cheaper.  
Meanwhile, the evil Darth Vader, obsessed with destroying every last copy of the Original Editions, has been promoted to second in command of the Empire after failing to defend the Death Star in the previous episode.  
Thousands of CG probe droids have been dispatched throughout the galaxy in an attempt to find the small band of real human actors and miniature models...

PAN DOWN

Through a vast sea of stars to reveal...

The latest 'True Fan' commercial for the Hyper$pace subscription service on the Star Wars website

EXT. HOTH OR NOT - DAY

Luke rides his CG Tauntaun and is attacked by the abominable CG Wampa.

After five minutes of fighting between the mighty Tauntaun and the awesome Wampa, the giant CG snowman wins.

INT. ECHO ECHO, ECHO, ECHO BASE - DAY

Han and Leia are in the rebel base.

HAN  
You need a kiss.

LEIA  
First let me tell you about how I used to come here for school retreat. We used to lie in the snow and let the ice freeze us.

HAN  
I hate ice. It's cold and hard and it gets everywhere.

INT. WAMPA CAVE - EVENING

The Wampa is eating the Tauntaun. It rips off pieces of meat and eats and burps. The mighty beast growls and does all kinds of nasty stuff in this PG movie.

Suddenly Luke appears near the Wampa and cuts off an arm!

Luke must have escaped by using the Force in a tense and dramatic moment, but we were too busy watching the monster to notice.

EXT. HOTH OR NOT - EVENING

Luke collapses in the snow.  
A ghostly figure appears.

GHOST OBI-WAN  
Luke! You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who taught Cape, who taught Qui-Gon, who taught me.

LUKE  
Huh?

The ghost vanishes.  
Han finds Luke and saves his life.

INT. ECHO ECHO, ECHO, ECHO BASE, HOSTIPAL/HOPSTIPAL/HOSPITOL (NOTE: RUN SPELL-CHECKER) - NEXT DAY

Luke is in a tank filled with some kind of liquid.

LUKE  
Yoda! Cape! Qui-Gon! Obi-Wan!

LEIA  
Poor guy. He is suffering from prequel-madness.

INT. ECHO ECHO, ECHO, ECHO BASE, BEDROOM - DAY

Luke is in bed. He is having a wet dream.

LUKE  
Mom! No! Mom, no don't!

He wakes up. The others are there too.

LEIA  
So, you have incest fantasies too.  
I read somewhere that those can run in the family.

Leia kisses him.

HAN  
That's nothing. You should have seen us in that corridor, while you were freezing to death.

LUKE  
This was nothing. You should have seen us off-screen, when it was not PG rated.

EXT. SPACE

The mighty Imperial CG fleet flies around through space, being evil.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, VADER'S QUARTERS

The Imperials have found the rebel base and are going to attack.

GENERAL INDIANA JONES 3  
They have this shield that can withstand any bombardment.

DARTH VADER  
Land your troops beyond the shield.  
Use those big things on legs to attack them. Let's hope none of them topple over.

GENERAL INDIANA JONES 3  
Shouldn't we use fighters instead - to quickly fly underneath their shield and bomb them away? Admiral Ozzel thought...

DARTH VADER  
No! That would be too easy! Admiral Ozzel is stupid. I will deal with him myself.

Vader activates a blue screen. Ozzel appears on it.

DARTH VADER  
You have failed me for the last time, admiral. You're an admiral, and I will slaughter you like an admiral. I hate you! It's all Obi Wan's fault! He held me back!

OZZEL  
You're not all powerful, Vader. You're only human.

DARTH VADER (crying)  
One day I'll be the most powerful Sith ever. I will even stop people from dying.

OZZEL  
Could you start with me?

DARTH VADER  
Okay.

OZZEL  
Phew.

EXT. HOTH OR NOT - DAY

The CG Imperials battle the CG rebels. Three thousand CG AT AT (Awesome Things - Aren't They) Walkers attack sixty thousand CG rebel soldiers armed with bazookas and cannons. The rebels are losing.

LUKE  
If only we had sticks and stones, we would have a chance!

REBEL (V.O)  
Imperial Snow Clones have entered the base! Imperial Snow Clones have...

The transmission is cut off. Some rebels escape (the important characters anyway).

EXT. SPACE, ANOTHER ASTEROID FIELD

The CG Falcon flies through a CG asteroid field. Four hundred CG TIE fighters are in pursuit.

INT. TIE-FIGHTER ALPHA 1

The clone pilot opens fire at the Falcon. His identical normal growth clone son cheers.

FETT # 1138  
Get him dad! Fire! Yeah! Ha ha ha!

INT. FALCON

Han has hidden the Falcon inside an asteroid. He moves closer to Leia.

HAN  
I hate sand. I'm a smuggler, and smugglers are encouraged to love. I like dictatorships. I have thought about you for years, and now I want to stalk you.

LEIA  
Huh? Whatever. Let's talk about politics for a while, then we can roll around in a very forced and rehearsed way. After that I will change into something more sexy and I will reject you.

HAN  
I wish I could wish my wishes away, but I can't. We could keep it a secret.

LEIA  
Yes, I think it's best if we kept dialogue like that to ourselves.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, BRIDGE

Vader is angry. He walks over to Admiral Piett.

DARTH VADER  
I want the Falcon found! I want to be the most powerful Sith ever! I want to date girls! I want a speeder with the right color! I want my mommy!

PIETT  
This asteroid field is huge. How are we ever going to find them?

DARTH VADER  
Wait! We can use the SSSTTT: Super Secret Sith Transmission Tracking Trick.

PIETT  
How does that work?

DARTH VADER  
I'm not sure. I think you have to send them a fake transmission, calling for help. Then they won't respond of course, but you can still trace their signal.

PIETT  
How?!

DARTH VADER  
I think it has something to do with rewriting the script and forgetting to fix everything so it all still makes sense. We may have to check the information contained on the old 'Behind The Magic' CDROM to be sure.

PIETT  
We will use all our resources to uncover this mystery of the non existent transmission, My Lord.

DARTH VADER  
Good. It worked for the other guy.  
Now I shall speak to the Emperor. Perhaps he has a copy of an earlier draft of Episode 1. That may reveal important clues to solve this puzzle of prequel-writing.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, VADER'S QUARTERS

Vader speaks to the emperor, who appears as a hologram.

DARTH VADER  
You look a bit like a monkey, my master.

EMPEROR  
They forgot to fix it in this edition. Better luck next time. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi. He could destroy us.

DARTH VADER  
How? We killed thousands of Jedi knights. One boy can't do much harm. Besides, Obi-Wan can no longer help him. Of course there is still Yoda...but that little frog is an even bigger idiot than Obi! If Luke trains with Yoda, he'll be screwed!

EMPEROR  
Can he join us?

DARTH VADER  
I'm not sure. What about the Rule Of Two?

EMPEROR  
The what? Never heard of it.

DARTH VADER  
Yoda talked about it once.  
Apparently the Sith were defeated, but one Sith Lord survived and secretly started the Rule Of Two - without anyone knowing about him or his new rule.

EMPEROR  
Then how could Yoda know about it?

DARTH VADER  
Perhaps from a certain point of view...

EMPEROR  
Oh, come on!

DARTH VADER  
You're right! Yoda lied! The little bastard just made it up to sound interesting! I can't believe it! What a jerk!

EXT. DAGOBAH - DAY

Luke has crash landed on Dagobah. Artoo moves out of his droid-socket from their Left-Wing fighter, and flies safely over the water using his rocket-boosters.

LUKE  
Strange. It's as if I know this place. It's like -

YODA (O.S)  
Like what?

Luke twists around!

LUKE  
Like I have seen it before...in a previous edition! I seek a great warrior.

YODA  
War makes one great. Wars make one even greater. Star Wars made one a great businessman. Lucas! You seek Lucas!

LUKE  
No, I'm looking for Yoda.

YODA  
I'm Yoda. Seen the prequels or any of the previous editions, have you not? In them, I was!

INT. YODA'S HOME - EVENING

Luke has followed Yoda to his home.

LUKE  
Wow! Real snakes, a real set, a real puppet! It's so...real...

YODA  
Why become a Jedi, you want to? Stupid and lame, Jedi are.

LUKE  
My father was a Jedi.

YODA  
A good thing, how that was?

Yoda sighs and starts talking to a wall.

YODA  
Watched this one for a long time, I have. Covered the camera he did.

OBI-WAN (V.O.)  
What was he thinking?

YODA  
Didn't like me watching him, I think. Anyway, too old he is to start the training! Yes, more than twenty years too old!

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
He'll do fine.

YODA  
Like his father, you mean? Who was also too old and he totally messed things up! Will he finish what he has started?

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
As long as it's the special 'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps' course, sure. He scored high on the midichlorian test. He can be a Jedi.

YODA  
Reckless he is!

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
So was I, if you remember.

YODA  
Remember that, I do not.

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
What about the time I jumped through a window? Or when I kicked someone over a ledge while I was tied to him?

YODA  
An older master you were by then! Talking about an inexperienced young man, we are here!

OBI-WAN (V.O)  
You were reckless too, during lightsaber fights, if you remember.

YODA  
Oh, yes. Okay... My apprentice, Luke Skywalker, will be.

LUKE  
I'm not afraid.

YODA  
Good. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hatred; hatred leads to pointless changes to the Original Editions; pointless changes to the Original Editions lead to suffering.

EXT. SPACE, ASTEROID

The crew of the Falcon realized that they were inside a giant space slug! They fly out, but the slug follows them!

Then suddenly ANOTHER (CG) slug grabs the first slug and eats it!

INT. FALCON, COCKPIT

The crew relaxes. That was close!

HAN  
There's always a bigger space slug.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, BRIDGE

A group of bounty hunters has gathered in front of Darth Vader.

DARTH VADER  
Thank you all for being able to get here on such short notice. Just how much time has passed anyway? Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? Next thing you know someone is going to fly to another star system without a hyperdrive!

ANOTHER FETT  
Anakid, it will be a pleasure working with you again.*

*(See some inevitable Expanded Universe story. Possibly a cartoon)

DARTH VADER  
That name has no more meaning to me, my old friend. Also no disintegrations. I know from all those Expanded Universe comics that you like to do that, young Fett, but this time I want them alive.

OFFICER  
Hey, that guy looks like Jango Fett, and he flies the same space ship! How unoriginal!

EXT. SPACE

The Falcon flies on, but another CG space slug tries to eat it! Luckily, the second space slug has followed them and kills the third slug.

INT. FALCON, COCKPIT

The crew relaxes once again.

HAN  
There's always a third monster in the new episodes.

Han pushes the hyperspace button. Nothing happens.

LEIA  
The hyperdrive is leaking. Perhaps we should land on a desert planet, find a junk dealer who has a perfect rare hyperdrive in his backyard, bet on a pod-race, win, and fly away.

HAN  
I have a better idea. We will attach ourselves to the back of a Star Destroyer. Nobody will see us, unless someone flies behind it and looks our way. I learned this trick from some bounty hunter who was fooled by it near Geonosis, by a Jedi Knight. It can't fail!

EXT. DAGOBAH - DAY

Luke receives the special '**How To Be A Jedi In 21 Easy Steps**' training from Yoda.

Yoda holds a device. Images of stuff flash on the screen.  
Luke can't see it.

YODA  
Displayed on my little screen what is?

LUKE  
How should I know?!

YODA  
Not good, this is. Failed the first test, you have. Skip this and go to lesson number two, we will. How feel you?

LUKE  
Hot and sweaty.

YODA  
Not cold?

LUKE  
No, it's the swamp climate.

YODA  
Very good, very good. Miss your mother, you do?

LUKE  
No, I never even knew her.

YODA  
Excellent! Step three passed, you have. Now, fly through narrow canyon and avoid obstacles you must.

LUKE  
I already did that in the previous episode!

YODA  
Oh, okay. Skip lesson number four, we will then.  
Number five: still much to learn about the Living Force, you have.

LUKE  
What do you mean?

YODA  
Pick up pathetic life-form you must.

Luke looks around, then picks up a snake.

YODA  
Well done!

Yoda activates a holographic map, displaying a bunch of stars.

YODA  
Look here for lesson number six.  
Star reacts to pull of gravity, but planet is missing. Where is planet?

LUKE  
Where it should be, to be able to affect the star with its gravitational pull?

YODA  
Very good! Truly remarkable, the mind of a twenty something year old is! Not even experienced Jedi masters could figure this out!

LUKE  
I'm starting to understand why all the Jedi got wiped out...

Yoda presses the delete button by accident and the star-map disappears!

YODA  
Gone it is!

LUKE  
Only a Jedi could have erased those files, but who?

YODA  
Dangerous and disturbing this mystery is. Meditate on this, I will.  
First however, you will receive the seventh lesson: You must unlearn what you have learned.

LUKE  
oiyuaaetiukl, jbkufos osfjosu ooyr.

YODA  
What?

LUKE  
I'm unlearning to speak.

YODA  
No, no, no! I mean you must unlearn what you have learned from the previous editions!

LUKE  
Including the prequels?

YODA  
No! The new canon, the prequels are!

LUKE  
Master Yoda, why are the prequels so inconsistent? They are like the Expanded Universe.

YODA  
Inconsistent only until next version of Original Editions, my very young apprentice...

LUKE  
Must I also unlearn what Obi-Wan taught me?

YODA  
Obi-Wan trained you?! Damn! Worse than I thought, it is! Yes, yes!  
Unlearn everything he taught you! An idiot he was! The prequels! Remember the failure of the prequels!

LUKE  
I thought they were a success.

YODA  
Financially, not artistically.  
Think funny, you are? If practiced your saber skills as much as your wit you did, rival me as a swordsman, you would!

LUKE  
You fight with a lightsaber?! That must look stupid.

YODA  
Watch and learn. Lesson eight.  
YAAAAH!

Yoda jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces around trees and swings his little saber!

LUKE  
I was right. That looked stupid.

YODA  
Silliness, fear, anger, hatred, circumstance, bad dialogue, impatience, weak editing, lack of drama...quick to join you in a fight they are. Lesson number nine, that was.

LUKE  
Is the Dark Side stronger?

YODA  
Yes, Lucas said so on the Episode 2 DVD. Lesson number ten, covered we have.

LUKE  
It's going fast!

YODA  
Lesson number eleven, time for it has come. Go into that cave you must. A domain of evil it is.

LUKE  
Lucasfilm Licensing is located there?

YODA  
No, it is a place strong with the Dark Side.

LUKE  
Was the mystery of this cave ever explained?

YODA  
No, too busy explaining history of Boba Fett, we were.

Luke is about to enter the cave. He leaves his saber behind.

YODA  
Your saber, take it with you everywhere, you must. Your life, this weapon is. Lesson twelve, forget you must not.

LUKE  
Sorry master. I try.

YODA  
No! Do or do not, there is no try!  
Try not to forget it next time.  
Lesson number thirteen, already completed we have now.

Luke enters the cave to do lesson number eleven.

INT. CAVE OF EXPANDED UNIVERSE

Luke encounters a figure! A tired old man...

LUKE  
Who are you?

COUNT CAPE  
I am Count CAPE.

LUKE Who?!

COUNT CAPE  
Everybody asks that question. I should have been in Episode 1, but I wasn't. I was in a few scenes in Episode 2, but the scenes where my background and my original motives were explained got cut. In Episode 3 I was killed off early in the movie. I was forgotten, and now I roam here in the Expanded Universe Hell...where all characters end up sooner or later. Oh, by the way, Qui-Gon Jinn was once my apprentice.

LUKE  
So?

COUNT CAPE  
Qui-Gon Jinn trained Obi-Wan, who trained you. And Yoda trained me, and now you. So we have a history, Luke.

LUKE  
No we don't.

Cape starts crying.

COUNT CAPE (crying)  
I know! I just like to pretend I am somehow connected to important characters who do have a history!

Luke exits the cave, confused.

EXT. DAGOBAH - EVENING

Luke joins Yoda.

YODA  
Time for lesson number fourteen.  
Easy this one will be. Stand on one finger, balance me on your foot, levitate boxes and droid, and look into the future you must.

Luke does so.

LUKE  
Han, Leia!

Luke and Yoda and Artoo fall down.

YODA  
It was the future you have seen.

LUKE  
Will they die?

YODA  
Difficult to see. Always in motion, the future is. Either that, or the Dark Side clouds our vision and limits our ability to use the Force. Pick one. Lesson number fifteen, a challenging one it is.

LUKE  
An inconsistency test! Interesting.  
I'll pick the one where the future is always in motion. That's cool and deep, because it implies that you control your own destiny.

YODA  
Wrong! To be a Jedi is to be lame and stupid! Deep and meaningful are the ways of the outdated editions!

LUKE  
It seems so weak. I always thought we were luminous beings who where spiritual and stuff like that.

YODA  
Crude matter we are, with microscopic life-forms living inside our cells. The will of the Force they tell us. Test person with communicators and standard equipment on starships you can.  
This lesson number sixteen may come in handy one day.

Then Luke's Left-Wing fighter sinks into the swamp.

YODA  
Use the Force. Feel the midichlorians inside you and pull out your ship. Lesson seventeen, we have reached.

Luke fails. Yoda then concentrates and the L-Wing is CG levitated onto the shore.

LUKE  
I don't believe it.

YODA  
Why not? Already levitated a heavy object in Episode 2, I did. You must let go and believe whatever it is you are shown in prequels.  
Lesson number eighteen - a difficult one this is for certain.

LUKE  
I have to go and help my friends.

YODA  
Lesson number nineteen: sometimes you must sacrifice your friends for the greater good.

LUKE  
Is this something you learned at the time of the prequels?

YODA  
No. From Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Kahn. _'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'_.

LUKE  
I'm outta here!

OBI-WAN  
Luke, be careful! I can't help you.

LUKE  
Then what's the point of all this ghost stuff?!

YODA  
There is no point. Ever. Lesson number twenty, that was. Only one more to go, we have!

LUKE  
I will come back and complete my training. I promise.

YODA  
Remember, lessons one to twenty were part of free extended limited time offer trial period preview.  
For last step you must join Hyper$pace paid subscription service on official website!

LUKE  
I'll remember.

Luke flies away.

OBI-WAN  
That boy was our only hope.

YODA  
No. I cloned another.

EXT. BESPIN, CG CLOUD CITY - EVENING

The Falcon lands in CG Cloud City, after traveling from one star system to another without a hyperdrive. Han, Leia and Chewie are now hundreds of years old, but the special powers of the magical planet Bespin make them instantly young again.

They meet Lando Calrissian.

LEIA  
Look! A black man! The first we encountered in this galaxy!

LANDO  
Most of us got wiped out during the clone wars.

HAN  
You mean clone war, not wars.

LANDO  
Shut up and lets have diner.

INT. CG CLOUD CITY, DINING ROOM OF DESTINY - EVENING

Han, Leia, Chewie and Lando enter the Dining Room Of Destiny,  
where DARTH VADER and ANOTHER FETT sit at the Table Of Contents!

Han shoots at Vader, who deflects the bolts with his blaster proof glove!

HAN  
I thought he used the Dark Side of the Force.

LEIA  
No, it must have been a personal force-field.

DARTH VADER  
I would be honored if you would join me on my Star Wars messageboard to discuss this fascinating mystery.

INT. CG CLOUD CITY, CARBON FREEZING CHAMBER OF DISCO - NIGHT

Han is about to be frozen in carbonite.

Chewie gets angry and starts fighting the CG clonetroopers!

Another Fett is about to shoot Chewie, but Vader stops him!

DARTH VADER  
Don't shoot! Chewbacca is an old friend. Plus he carries See-Threepio, who is my son. They were my friends, and I still care about them deeply.

HAN  
Don't be afraid.

LEIA  
I'm not, but you should be! I've been dying a little bit each day since you came into my life, but at least I'm not the one who is about to be frozen alive.

HAN  
That's cold.

LEIA  
I truly, deeply love you, and before you die I want you to know.

HAN  
Geez, you really know how to make me feel better...

Han is frozen and the others are led away.

Luke arrives and faces Vader.

DARTH VADER  
You are strong with the midichlorians, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.

They FIGHT!

Luke takes a deep breath...

LUKE  
A Fett didn't shoot the Kaminoan Saberdart on purpose to lead the Jedi to Kamino. He made a mistake, like bad guys in movies always do! Obi-Wan simply happened to know someone who happened to recognize the weapon. Despite what Sidious said about everything going as planned, this was not the case. It was just a throw-away _'bad guy'_ line.  
You see, the original plan was to get the Confederacy droid army ready and spread out all over the Galaxy. The Republic and the Jedi would have been overwhelmed and the Senate would surely agree with the creation of an army, which it was going to vote for soon anyway - but against which there was some opposition. Also the senate would have surely given Chancellor Palpatine emergency powers to deal with the crisis.  
Once the creation of an army would have been approved, someone would have 'discovered' the clone army on Kamino, or maybe the Kaminoans would have contacted the Republic themselves, since the first batch of clones was ready and they wanted to get paid. It doesn't really matter.  
Now Obi-Wan almost ruined the plans and he got the war started too early, before the droid army was fully ready and transported away.  
Count Cape quickly responded and made sure droids were waiting for the Jedi, but still factories and transports were destroyed.  
But in the end the war got started anyway and Palpatine got his emergency powers, and so the important parts of the plan were a success anyway.  
So the bad guys were happy in the end!  
All you have to do is follow the movie and pay attention to what is said and done and most of it makes sense...sort of...

DARTH VADER  
Impressive. Most impressive indeed!  
You understand the plot of Episode 2, and you don't feel the need to make stuff up to make it all even more complicated and unlikely than it already is.

LUKE  
You will find I am full of surprises.

Luke sticks out his arm. Vader chops it off.

LUKE  
Aaarch!

DARTH VADER  
As you can see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours.

LUKE  
You mean Force powers?

DARTH VADER  
Stop nitpicking. By the way, Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE  
No, he didn't. He was replaced by Mace Windu for marketing reasons.

DARTH VADER  
I am your father!

LUKE  
Oh, yes. I knew that. That was already made clear in the promotion for Episode 1.

Then Yoda walks in. Vader forgets about Luke completely.

DARTH VADER  
Master Yoda. You have interfered with our plans for the last time.

YODA  
Previous time, when was?

DARTH VADER  
I was simply talking cool. The Dark Side has made me much cooler, even cooler than you, master Yoda.

YODA  
That's true. You used to be such an annoying jerk.

Vader and Yoda fight!

YODA  
Yaaah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Grrrr!

Yoda once again bounces and flips and twirls.

During the fight Luke mysteriously changes positions without actually moving, all thanks to the awesome power of The Editing Of Crap!

Then the fight just stops.

YODA  
Fought well you have, my old Padawan.

DARTH VADER  
I was never your Padawan.

YODA  
Never mind. Say that to everyone after a fight I do, for no good reason.

Vader uses the Force to make a generator fall down on Luke, and escapes. Yoda uses the Force to prevent the generator from crushing Luke.

YODA  
Grrr! Been through this lesson, we have already! Charge extra for this, I will!

Leia runs in.

LEIA  
Luke!

Leia embraces an exhausted Luke.

YODA  
Hope nothing is going on between the two of you, I do. Slightly disturbing, that would be...

EXT. CG CLOUD CITY, LANDING PLATFORM - NIGHT

Vader approaches an officer.

DARTH VADER  
I sense a recycling from an earlier parody. I must be cautious. Now alert my shuttle to prepare for my arrival.

OFFICER  
huh?

DARTH VADER (sighs)  
Bring my shuttle...

OFFICER  
With pleasure, My Lord!

Vader walks to his shuttle.

DARTH VADER  
Alert my star destroyer to prepare for my arrival.

EXT. SPACE

Vader flies to his alerted and prepared star destroyer in his shuttle.

DARTH VADER  
Alert the star destroyer's hangar to prepare for my arrival.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, HANGAR

Vader lands in the hangar and exits the shuttle, then inspects the recycled troops that have lined up for him to celebrate his return, after they had been alerted to prepare for his arrival. After the ceremony, Vader addresses an officer.

DARTH VADER  
Alert the turbolift to prepare for my arrival.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, TURBOLIFT

Vader enters the alerted turbolift.  
Vader rides the turbolift.

DARTH VADER  
Alert the bridge to prepare for my arrival.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER, BRIDGE

Vader exits the elevator and walks onto the alerted bridge.  
He spots admiral Piett at the other side of the bridge. He turns to an officer.

DARTH VADER  
Alert admiral Piett to prepare for my arrival.

The officer runs to the admiral and alerts Piett to prepare for Vader's arrival.  
Vader approaches the alerted admiral.

PIETT  
I've alerted our tractor beam crew to prepare for the Millenium Falcon's arrival, My Lord.

DARTH VADER  
Did your men cause the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon to leak?

PIETT  
Yes, My Lord.

DARTH VADER  
Good. Alert the boarding party to prepare for the arrival of the Millennium Falcon.

EXT. SPACE

The Falcon, with our friends on board, speeds away from the alerted Super Star Destroyer.

INT. FALCON

Luke lies on a bunk.

LUKE  
Lucas... Lucas, why are you charging for worthless, weak spoilers on your website?!

Artoo manages to plug the leaking hyperdrive and they fly away to safety.

INT. FRIGATE

Luke has just finished making himself a new hand. Leia brings him some blue milk.

LUKE  
My hand broke... I was always good at fixing things.  
Everything seems so much simpler when you don't think about the Prequels. Why did she have to die!  
I know I could have prevented it! I know I could have!

LEIA  
Luke, what's wrong?

LUKE  
The original edition of this movie...it's destroyed! She was so great, and now she is gone...

LEIA  
Luke, there are some things no one can fix.

LUKE  
If it aint broke, don't fix it. Try telling that to Lucas!

Luke and Leia move to a window and look outside. Threepio and Artoo also stand there.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Strange. This reminds me of the time Anakid and PetMe got married.  
We stood somewhat like this back then. It seems like such pointless recycling. I hope we have seen the last of that.

Artoo bleeps his agreement.

LANDO  
We will see you guys on Tatooine, where we will see Jabba again, and of course also that bounty hunter.  
And let's not forget about the new Death Star that's being built.

SEE-THREEPIO  
I have a bad feeling about this!

**THE END**

**(ACTUALLY... TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE 6: THE SIXTH EPISODE)**


	7. The Craptacular Editions, Episode 6: The...

At last, the final episode!  
By Darth SillyName, the Dynamic Villain  
2003, 2009

* * *

Every generation has a rewrite...  
Every journey has to be redone...  
Every saga has another point of view...

During a well known period in time in a galaxy we know all too well by now...

A vast ocean of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll up, which crawls up into infinity...then plummets down again.

**STAR WARS**

**EPISODE VI**

**THE SIXTH EPISODE**

Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine, a planet we know all too well by now.  
There he will attempt to free Han Solo from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt, a villain we know all too well by now.  
Little does Luke know that the Empire is constructing a new Death Star, a battle station we know all too well by now.

PAN DOWN

Through the vast ocean of stars to reveal...

An announcement in which the immediate discontinuation of the Hyper$pace paid subscription service on the Star Wars website is announced. Money will not be refunded. All material previously available on Hyper$pace can now be accessed for free. All former members of Hyper$pace will receive a free coupon for a -1% discount on the Episode 1 Deluxe Jar Jar bubble-gum set.

EXT. SPACE

A Star Destroyer approaches the Death Star. A shuttle flies away from it.

INT. DEATH STAR, CONTROL ROOM

An officer sees the shuttle landing.

OFFICER  
Alert the commander to prepare for Lord Vader's arrival.

INT. DEATH STAR, HANGAR

The shuttle lands. Darth Vader gets out and inspects the alerted and prepared troops.

DARTH VADER  
Strange. I get the feeling I've seen this before...in the updated previous episode...

COMMANDER  
We are working as fast as we can.  
If only it was digital, instead of an old fashioned matte painting...

DARTH VADER  
By now you should know how to build a Death Star! Perhaps you should explain it to the Emperor himself when he arrives.

COMMANDER  
The Emperor is coming here?!

DARTH VADER  
Didn't I just say that? Pay attention, stupid!

EXT. TATOOINE, JABBA'S PALACE - DAY

Threepio and Artoo arrive at Jabba the Hutt's palace.

SEE-THREEPIO  
The stories I heard about Jabba...

Artoo bleeps.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Well, for starters, he once bit off the head of a Tatooinian chicken just to start a pod-race! And then he fell asleep!

INT. JABBA'S PALACE

Artoo plays Luke's holographic message before Jabba.

LUKE (hologram)  
I give you these droids. They know this planet all too well by now.

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Hohoho! Solo will remain mine!

SEE-THREEPIO  
Look Artoo, captain Solo is still frozen in carbonite!

Indeed, captain Solo is still frozen in carbonite!

INT. JABBA'S PALACE, DROID DUNGEON

Artoo and Threepio are led to the droid dungeon, where droids are tortured! Is this where I send my computer to?

DROID  
You can be a translator.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Can't I just get my head cut off and have it placed on another droid? That was so much fun! I made funny gay jokes.

DROID  
Those were not funny! This little one can work on the sailbarge. The plot may require him there later.

INT. JABBA'S PALACE - EVENING

15 minutes of a CG musical sequence later a bounty hunter enters together with Chewbacca! Another Fett is on full alert!

BOUNTY HUNTER  
Yoto yoto yoto.

SEE-THREEPIO  
He wants more money!

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Hohoho! Why are you translating it to English? Speak Huttees to me, you idiot! He won't get more money!

Threepio turns to the Bounty Hunter.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Jabba won't give you more money.

BOUNTY HUNTER (in Yoto)  
Speak Yoto to me, you idiot!

The palace is in turmoil. They will need to endlessly debate this alarming chain of events in a conference room!

Lando is there too, disguised as...Lando...with a helmet.

Now Luke also arrives. Jabba excuses himself to the other guests and they retire to the conference room...

INT. JABBA'S PALACE, CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT

Luke, the mysterious bounty hunter, the disguised Lando, Threepio, Chewie, the frozen Han, Jabba, his friend Bib Fortuna, Another Fett, and several serious looking extras sit and stand around the obligatory Conference Room Scene.

LUKE  
I think the best thing to do is to barter for Han Solo's freedom.  
Perhaps we have something to trade. Leia's wardrobe perhaps... These crime lords must have some sort of weakness...

BIB FORTUNA  
Talk, no fight? He's no Jedi!

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Hohoho! I do not believe it will come to a fight. Skywalker is a political idealist, not a murderer.

LUKE  
Try me.

ANOTHER FETT  
Do you believe it will come to a fight, Master Jedi?

BOUNTY HUNTER  
Oh, Luke is not a Jedi Master, he is only an apprentice. I was thinking we could bet on a pod race. Say...our lives against our freedom and Han Solo.

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Deal!

LANDO  
Luke, you look so anxious. What's wrong?

LUKE  
I was thinking...when are we going to get to the important exposition stuff, instead of just talking crap?

BOUNTY HUNTER  
Get Down!

WOOOSH!

LANDO  
What was that?!

LUKE  
A Wave Of Worthless Editing!!

The important exposition has been swept away by the awesome Cutscene Of DVD!

JABBA  
Hohoho! Bo Shuda!

Another Fett suddenly takes the helmet off of the mysterious Bounty Hunter's head! It's LEIA!

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Hohoho! You thought you could fool me with that disguise? I did my homework and watched the Prequels.  
I know all about the worthless disguises of your mother! Now you will die!

The CG Rancor attacks! The mighty beast rips the clothes off Leia - exposing lots of skin!

LEIA  
Aaarch! That was stupid!

Leia is now only dressed in a metal bikini!

LEIA  
At last I have revealed my skin to the fanboys, at last they will have their climax.

Jabba seems to have the upper hand, but then he loses the bet on the pod-race...

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Hohoho! It's not fair. Somehow you knew you were going to win.

LUKE  
You want to discuss this with Governor Watto in an official hearing of the Courts?

JABBA (Huttees, subtitled)  
Hohoho! You win.

Leia presses a button on Han Solo's freeze-coffin thing. The famous smuggler starts coming back to life.

Han falls, and hits the jetpack of Another Fett!

ANOTHER FETT  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Another Fett flies away out of control.

HAN  
Hey, that was the guy who looked like Jango Fett.

Chewie growls.

HAN  
Boba Fett? That was Boba Fett? That little, worthless, pointless kid who hung around Jango Fett in Episode 2 without doing anything remotely interesting? Wow! I'm glad I killed him in such a lame way. He deserved it!

INT. DEATH STAR

The emperor has arrived on board the Death Star.

DARTH VADER  
The Death Star will be completed in time. We recycled some bits from the previous ones.

EMPEROR  
Good. That always seems to work for Lucas as well. And now I sense you want to continue your search for young Skywalker.

DARTH VADER  
Actually, I was thinking about searching on the Internet for those topless beach pictures of young Natalie Portman.

EMPEROR  
You will find those easy to locate, my friend. They're everywhere. Also check out the clip of her nipple-slip on the Letterman show.  
They will come to you, then you will bring them to me.

DARTH VADER  
The pictures will come to me?!

EMPEROR  
Didn't I just say that? Pay attention, stupid! As long as you click the download button, it will work. All will proceed as I have foreseen, except for the changes made in the latest version of this movie.

INT. YODA'S HOME (DAGOBAH)

Luke is visiting Yoda on Dagobah.

YODA  
So bad I look through young eyes?

LUKE  
I think it's just the puppet and how it's operated.

YODA  
Twilight will soon be upon me. Replaced by computer animation, I will be...

LUKE  
But my training is not yet complete. I still have one more lesson to go. *

* (See Episode 5: Attack Of The SnowClones, for the 20 previous lessons.)

YODA  
Guidance you need not, Luke. Once learn to trust feelings, you do, the most powerful Jedi you will be.  
Even more powerful than me. Difficult, that will be not, when gone am I.

LUKE  
So I am a Jedi!

YODA  
No, no! Decades of serious training and meditation you need for that!  
Not some silly speed course.

LUKE  
What?!

YODA  
Oh, whatever! Vader! You must confront Vader. Only then a Jedi will you be, if means so much to you it does. After all, already made up Rule Of Two nonsense did I, and came up with name of war for no good reason. Calling you a Jedi, add to that I can.

LUKE  
Huh? How did all the other Jedi apprentices become Knights?  
I'm sure there wasn't always a Dark Lord available.

YODA  
Question me, you must not. Right I am always, except when wrong I am.

LUKE  
Is Vader my father?

YODA  
Yes. Vader means father in Dutch, so...

LUKE  
That's a coincidence.

YODA  
Oh, okay. Your father he is anyway.  
Unfortunate that he told you, and that Lucasfilm marketing department used it to promote prequels. Gone, that surprise was.  
Luke, when gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be. Do not pass on what you have learned. Suck, the Jedi did. There is another S...S....S....

LUKE  
Sith? Sailbarge? Sandcrawler? Stormtrooper? Sy Snootles? Song and dance number? Saber? Sarlacc? Slave girl? Star Destroyer? Shuttle? Come on! Give me a hint!

Yoda is tired of this crap and dies.

Luke goes outside.

EXT. DAGOBAH - NIGHT

Luke is sad. Obi-Wan the Annoying Ghost is there too.

OBI-WAN  
Yoda will always be with you.

LUKE  
Perhaps I can fit him in the cargo compartment of my Left-Wing.

OBI-WAN  
What Mace Windu told you about the Prequels was true, from a certain point of view.

LUKE  
What happened?

OBI-WAN  
Simply watch the Prequels and especially Episode 3. Everything is revealed in Episode 3, so no surprises are left at all for the Original Trilogy.

LUKE  
I'd rather not.

OBI-WAN  
I don't blame you for not wanting to watch the Prequels. It wouldn't be the first time someone got depressed watching those episodes.  
You see, what happened to your father was not really my fault.  
When I first met your father, he was already a decent Pod-race pilot, but I was amazed at how high his midichlorian count was.  
My master Qui-Gon Jinn, not Yoda, believed that Anakiddie was the Chosen One who could bring Balance to the Force.  
What was he thinking?!  
Plenty of people can fly fast through narrow canyons and avoid obstacles; plenty of people have luck when they are in a dangerous situation. And how could Qui-Gon ever believe that nonsense about how Anakid was created by midichlorians!  
That worthless cheap slave Shmut obviously lied to him. Her slave master probably loaned her out to some space pirate who got her knocked up!  
Anyway, before he died, Qui-Gon begged me to train Anakiddie. Amazingly the Jedi Council agreed!  
What were those old farts thinking?! They said I wasn't ready for the trials yet, then I killed some Sith who forgot to move and suddenly they believed I was ready to not only be a Knight but also a Master!  
Why didn't they let some experienced Jedi Master train Anakiddie?! I never thought I could instruct him as well as Yoda, but Yoda and Mace told me I did well.

LUKE  
I'm glad you have no reason to feel guilty.

OBI-WAN  
Oh, never mind! Anakid thought about some silly uptight girl for the next ten years, and when he finally met her again he went insane. He killed a bunch of women and children and complained a lot.  
He was seduced by this young woman and got married and then that dominated his destiny for the rest of his life, like with all married men.

LUKE  
I'll stay single then.

OBI-WAN  
Do not underestimate the Expanded Universe, Luke! It's even crazier than the prequels and see what we encountered in those: Boba Fett,  
who was Jango Fett's son; See Threepio, who was Anakiddie's son and who lived with the Lars family for many years; Artoo-Detoo, who also hung out with Anakid and me; Captain Obvious, who was Captain Boring's nephew according to the official website; Jabba and Bib Fortuna; Chewbacca, who fought together with Yoda in the Clone War(s); and I was of course trained by Qui-Gon, who was trained by Cape, who was trained by Yoda... and there is much more.

LUKE  
Wow. What a small galaxy.

OBI-WAN  
When the clone war was nearing its end, we all realized that the two trilogies were nothing alike and could not be linked together.  
So we all lined up in front of the Galactic Machine Of Memory Loss, so that our memories could be erased and we wouldn't have to live with all that Prequel nonsense in our heads.  
Anakid was first in line....and disaster struck! A power-coupling exploded and Anakid was hit. From then on he needed his cybernetic Techno Union suit to live. The rest of us were forced to remember everything and accept the inconsistencies.  
We decided it was best to destroy the Prequels in order to save the universe from bad taste, but the Emperor took over and decided to destroy and replace the Original Editions instead.  
And we've been fighting him ever since...

LUKE  
You're kidding, right?

OBI-WAN  
Yes, but only because the real story isn't much better.  
You see, your father had bad dreams about your mother. The Emperor revealed himself to Anakid as the evil mastermind manipulator behind all the bad things that had happened. He promised Anakid that together they could stop your mother from dying in childbirth. I guess he pretended to be a doctor or something. Obviously your stupid father believed it and started killing loads of people, because that's apparently what people did back in those days when they wanted to prevent someone from dying.

LUKE  
Errr....what?!

OBI-WAN  
Circumstances led to your father getting tricked into embracing the Dark Side.

LUKE  
So my father was an idiot?

OBI-WAN  
Don't hold that against your father, Luke. We were all idiots back then. Many people throughout the galaxy suffered from Prequelitis.

LUKE  
Okay...  
Yoda spoke of another. Starting with an 'S'.

OBI-WAN  
That must be See-Threepio. He is your half-brother, because he was created by your father, from a certain point of view.

LUKE  
I'm not so sure...

OBI-WAN  
Perhaps he meant Shewbacca. He has always had good relations with the Jedi.

LUKE  
Err...

OBI-WAN  
Then of course we have the clonetroopers and Boba Fett. You see, Jango Fett was used as the clone template for the troopers and he had Boba Fett created as his identical, normal growth, clone son. Interesting, isn't it?

LUKE  
Not really, no.

OBI-WAN  
Actually, it is, because you are a clone too, Luke!  
Your father and your mother both lost the ability to produce children after they had performed fake jumps onto some CG animal - crotch first!*  
Very nasty. That's why we cloned you.

*(See Stop! Or My Clone Will Shoot)

LUKE  
I'm a clone?!

OBI-WAN  
Only kidding, but it's better than the real story, from a certain point of view.

LUKE  
Err...dude...

OBI-WAN  
Oh wait! Now I know! The 'S' stands for slut. You have a twin sister.

LUKE  
Leia! Leia is my sister!  
Errr... I wish I had known this before...that night...with the...stuff...with her...ahum...

OBI-WAN  
Bury your feelings deep, Luke.  
There's nothing wrong with adult siblings getting freaky together as long as they don't tell anybody.

LUKE  
Yoda said I must confront Vader...

OBI-WAN  
Vader humbled you when you first met, but you held firm. That experience was part of your training and now you are stronger.

LUKE  
The twenty-first lesson of the Jedi speed-course!

OBI-WAN  
Your insight serves you well. That was the hidden lesson Yoda could not teach you from a book.

LUKE  
I can't kill my own father.

OBI-WAN  
To be a Jedi you must confront and go beyond the Dark Side, the part your father couldn't get through, even though he was a Jedi Knight in Episode 3 and no longer an apprentice. And even if you make it through, you can still be seduced by the Dark Side. Just look at what happened to Count Cape! And he even used to be Yoda's padawan!

LUKE  
So what happened to Cape?

OBI-WAN  
Something....somehow...at some point....in a galaxy of assumptions and cut-scenes and Expanded Universe stories far, far away.  
Anyway, you must face Vader again!

LUKE  
Oh, okay. If it makes everybody shut up...

EXT. SPACE

The CG Rebel fleet flies around, being good. Several CG N-1 Nabooty fighters patrol the area.

INT. REBEL CRUISER, CONFERENCE ROOM

The rebels are gathered in a conference room (obviously).

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
We have stolen the plans for the new Death Star. We can fly in and destroy it with a single shot, like we always do.

HAN  
Are you sure the plans were not leaked, like the last time, when they let us escape with the plans and then they attacked us?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
Uhm...

HAN  
Can't we do something original for a change? How about setting up some factories to make millions of Battle Droids, and then using them to attack the Empire?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
Nah... Listen; here is something original: The Death Star is protected by a shield. A ground force will need to take that out first.

HAN  
You mean like when we had a shield on Hoth Or Not, and the Empire had to take that out with ground forces?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
Err...

LEIA  
I wonder what idiot they found to do that.

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
General Solo, are you ready?

LEIA  
General?! Who did they demote to make you a general so fast?

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
Private Leia, you can go with General Solo as a foot-soldier.

LEIA  
What?!

LUKE  
I'll come too.

Somehow everybody thinks the meeting is over. They all start walking away.

ANOTHER EU CHARACTER  
Hey, come back! I'm not finished!

EXT. SPACE, DEATH STAR & ENDOR

A stolen Imperial shuttle with our friends in it approaches the Death Star and Endor.

INT. SHUTTLE

Chewie growls.

HAN  
Yes, Chewie. It's a good thing you flew one of these shuttles more than twenty years ago at the end of the clone war.

LUKE  
So once we get through the shield, we fly straight at the shield generator dish and fly into it and set off the nuclear bomb in our cargo compartment, possibly bailing out before that happens and letting the shuttle fly on autopilot. Or not, because if we survive we will never stop having unoriginal adventures in crappy spin-off novels and comics.

HAN  
Uhm, no.

LUKE  
Oh, okay. We'll fly straight at it and launch our secret missiles at it!

HAN  
Uhm, no.

LUKE  
Oh, wait! We fly straight at it, land safely - because we're in one of their shuttles - , then have our commandos run out and take over the base and shut down the reactor!

HAN  
Uhm, no.

LUKE  
So...we're going to land far away from the base, hope nobody will wonder what happened to that shuttle, hope we don't encounter any troops that could sound alarm, hope we somehow can get into the base unseen, and hope that we can somehow take out that generator.

HAN  
Yep.

LUKE  
I should not have come along.

HAN  
Because you put the mission in danger, since Vader can sense your presence?

LUKE  
No, because this mission is stupid.

INT. SUPER DUPER STAR DESTROYER

Darth Vader senses there is something not right with the shuttle that has entered the sector...

DARTH VADER  
I sense there is something not right with the shuttle that has entered the sector...

ADMIRAL PIETT  
Shall I alert our forces to prepare for the shuttle's arrival?

DARTH VADER  
No, it is something else, more elusive, cuddly, teddy bear-ish...

The shuttle gets permission to fly on...

EXT. ENDOR, FOREST - DAY

Our friends have safely landed, but got split up after a speeder-bike race! Leia is missing! What happened to her?

LUKE  
We should go look for her. It's a good thing the locals only eat men, and not women, or else she could be in trouble.

The boys are promptly captured by the locals. They look like CG teddy bears! The little animals jump all over the place, like only CG teddybears can!

HAN  
Who are they?!

SEE-THREEPIO  
Ewoks! They strive for a franchise of their own! We must be cautious!

LUKE  
Threepio, tell them we are friends! Tell them they can have their own movies and cartoon. Tell them they can license teddy bears! That's marketing brilliance! Putting your own logo on teddy bears! Genius!

Then the Ewoks start chanting.

SEE-THREEPIO  
They think I'm some sort of god. I guess they're right. After all, The Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force, who was created by the Force and the midichlorians, was the one who created me!

EXT. ENDOR, MORE FOREST - DAY

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest... Leia wakes up after a nasty fall. An Ewok is poking her with a stick.

Leia instantly reacts and SHOOTS the little bastard!

LEIA  
I always wanted to do that!

INT. DEATH STAR

Darth Vader meets with the Emperor.

DARTH VADER  
My son is with those rebels on Endor.

EMPEROR  
See-Threepio?

DARTH VADER  
No, the other one.

EMPEROR  
Funny that I didn't sense it.  
Perhaps the Light Side of the Force is limiting my abilities...

INT. EWOK HUT (ENDOR) - NIGHT

After several trials and tribulations, our friends have made friends with the Ewoks, so now the Ewoks are our friends too...

See-Threepio explains to the little bears just what all happened before.

SEE-THREEPIO  
Just watch the entire saga, you lazy bastards!

After a profit sharing deal, the Ewoks agree to help our friends.

EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT

Leia finds Luke outside.

LEIA  
Luke, what's wrong?

LUKE  
I just can't stand those little Ewoks. I hate them! They're animals and I want to slaughter them like animals!

LEIA  
This reminds me of a story my mother told me.

LUKE  
What do you remember of your mother? Your real mother? Before she died.

LEIA  
Nothing. She died when I only minutes old. My foster parents told me she died from Prequelitis.

LUKE  
Prequelitis? There's that word again.

LEIA  
That's when you lose a lot of intelligence, common sense, and ethics, and start doing all kinds of stupid things, like falling in love with mass murderers and stuff like that.

LUKE  
The midichlorians are plentiful in my family, Leia. They're in me, my father...and my sister!

LEIA  
No!

LUKE  
Yes, Leia. It's true.

LEIA  
The girl on Hoth Or Noth, who operated the Ion-Cannon! She's your sister?!

LUKE  
Uhm, no. You are my twin sister.

LEIA  
I always knew that. And Darth Vader is my father...from a certain point of view.

LUKE  
How do you know those things?

LEIA  
I have seen Episode 3.

LUKE  
Hang on! If you always knew that, then why did you get freaky with me?!

LEIA  
As the daughter of a Nabooty woman I have a natural insatiable craving for booty-action.*  
You were available, and handsome, so...

*(See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

LUKE  
I have to confront Vader.

LEIA  
No, Luke, don't! Don't tell him we had booty-action! That's best kept a secret between you and me!

LUKE  
No, I think there is good in him. I must find that and bring it back.

LEIA  
I think that goodness you seek is somewhere in between Episodes 1 and 2, because in Episode 1 Anakiddie was this nice child, and in Episode 2 he was suddenly a jerk.

EXT. IMPERIAL BASE - MORNING

Luke has surrendered to the Imperials. Vader awaits him.

LUKE  
Hello, dad.

DARTH VADER  
So you have accepted the truth.

LUKE  
I accept that you were once Anakiddie Skywalker, a very annoying kid.

DARTH VADER  
That name has no more meaning to me. I'm much cooler now.

Vader activates Luke's lightsaber.

DARTH VADER  
Very nice. I see your training is complete.

LUKE  
Huh? I had to construct my own saber to complete my training? Yoda never told me that! I bought this lightsaber on the internet!

DARTH VADER  
I must obey my master. I can't come with you.

LUKE  
You can try. Simply commandeer a shuttle and we're out of here. Come on, let's try it. It'll be easy!

DARTH VADER  
You don't understand. They've placed this explosive inside me. If I try to escape....BOOM! They blow me away!

LUKE  
How wude.

INT. DEATH STAR

Vader brings Luke before the Emperor.

EMPEROR  
Welcome, young Skywalker. You will join me, as I have foreseen.

LUKE  
In what version did you see that?!

EMPEROR  
Your friends will die, and the rebel fleet will be destroyed! It's a trap! I can't believe you guys fell for it! It's how the clone war started: you hide some troops out of sight and bring them out to fight the good guys when they have arrived! Suckers!

LUKE  
Perhaps I should have watched the Prequels after all...then I would have been prepared...

EMPEROR  
Now you will kill your father and take his place at my side.

LUKE  
No, I will kill you and take my father to therapy.

Luke tries to kill the Emperor, but Vader stops him! They fight!

The lightsaber fight takes them to some laser-shield-door things. They are separated from each other!

LUKE  
How long before these things open again?

DARTH VADER  
Until the next scenes are done.  
Clever trick to switch locations, isn't it?

LUKE  
No, not really. Obvious, unimaginative and lame.

EXT. SPACE

The rebel fleet is under attack by Imperial ships! The shield is still there! The Death Star is operational! It's a trap!

INT. REBEL CRUISER

CG ADMIRAL ACKBAR  
It's a trap!  
Duh!

INT. FALCON

Lando shoots enemy CG fighters!

LANDO  
Perhaps we should have first send in some cloaked spy-ship to see if the shield was gone, and if it wasn't some kind of trap.

INT. REBEL CRUISER

CG ADMIRAL ACKBAR  
No! That would have been too easy!

EXT. ENDOR - DAY

The Ewoks come to the rescue. The rebels and Ewoks join forces and fight the CG clonetroopers!

The battle is over quickly. The CG clonetroopers - created and trained for High Definition warfare - kill Ewok after Ewok!

HAN  
I guess sticks and stones don't work against computer animations!

LEIA  
Artoo! We need your help!

Artoo activates his rocket-boosters and flies over to Leia.

Leia takes a glowing orb out of Artoo's Super Secret Compartment Of Surprise.

HAN  
What's that?

LEIA  
This is the Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness*. It was given to Boss Nass by my mother, and Nass then gave it to me, to use it to light our darkest hour!

*(see Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty)

HAN  
We don't need a light! We need a weapon!

Leia throws the Orb.  
The Orb EXPLODES and the Flash Of Poor Writing changes everything! The Ewoks and rebels have won, and the Imperials have been defeated!

HAN  
That's highly unlikely!

LEIA  
The Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness works!

INT. DEATH STAR

The Laser Doors Of Pacing open and the lightsaber fight continues!

DARTH VADER  
Your thoughts betray you. Another version! You have another version for yourself! You are a Phantom Editor!

LUKE  
Aaaah! I had to! It is my right! If Lucas can mess up his own movies, I can mess them up too!

Luke slashes and Vader goes down!

EMPEROR  
Good. Now kill your father and take his place at my side as an evil Dark Lord who will help me rule the galaxy and do bad things.

LUKE  
Uhm, no. Was that your whole plan?  
Do you really expect me to turn to evil like that?

EMPEROR  
It seemed to work with your father.

LUKE  
My father was a stupid Prequel character, no wonder it worked with him. That kind of nonsense doesn't work with a cool and intelligent Original Trilogy character like myself.

EMPEROR  
Damn. You're too much of an Original Trilogy fanboy.

LUKE  
Now I will do something heroic and meaningful.  
It goes against some of the Jedi lessons, but that makes it even more dramatic and symbolic and such!

Luke refuses to fight and throws away his lightsaber!

EMPEROR  
Now, pathetic fanboy, you will die!

The emperor shoots lightning from his hands at Luke!

EMPEROR  
I don't care what universe you're from, that's gotta hurt!

DARTH VADER  
Luke! Use your saber to absorb the lightning! I watched Obi-Wan do that once!

LUKE  
Oh, I guess that weapon was my life!

Vader can't stand to watch his son in pain. He picks up the Emperor and throws him into the Bottomless Pit Of Return In The Expanded Universe!

Vader is dying.

DARTH VADER  
Luke, help me take this mask off.

Luke does so. He is shocked to see the face underneath the mask: Hayden Christensen!

LUKE  
Dude. You were never as cool as I was. You never even had a chance.

Vader/Anakid/Hayden's cybernetic chest opens. He takes out a device.

VADER/ANAKID/HAYDEN  
Luke, take this Jedi Matrix Of Leadership.

LUKE  
That reminds me of the Transformers.

VADER/ANAKID/HAYDEN  
Transformers were important in the Prequels. They were the coolest CG droids... Till...all...are...one...

Vader/Anakid/Hayden dies.

INT. DEATH STAR, REACTOR

Lando and Wedge have reached the main reactor of the Death Star.

WEDGE  
I'll take it out with a single shot!

Wedge shoots.

LANDO  
I'll take it out with a single shot too!

Lando shoots.

They get out and the Death Star CG explodes...twice...

EXT. ENDOR - DAY

Everybody is happy to see the CG explosions.

Han turns to Leia.

HAN  
I'll leave you and Luke alone.

LEIA  
Thanks. Nothing can come between the love of a brother and a sister.

EXT. ENDOR, FOREST - EVENING

Luke burns his father's body, together with the Prequels.

LUCAS (V.O)  
Noooooo! I shall have my revenge!

EXT. EWOK VILLAGE/CLOUD CITY/MOS EISLEY/MOS ESPA/THEED/OTOH GUNGA/TIPOCA CITY/CORUSCANT/GEONOSIS CITY/ALDERAAN/ETC/ETC/ETC.

Everybody celebrates everywhere.

EXT. EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT

While the rebels and Ewoks join in a CG trooper barbecue, Luke walks a bit away.

Luke spots five ghosts: Obi-Wan, Yoda, Anakid, Mace Windu, and Qui-Gon Jinn.

YODA  
Used you well, we have.

LUKE  
Used me?

OBI-WAN  
Yes, of course. You see, what I told you about the Chosen One was true. You were a tool to help the real hero of the saga, Anakiddie, fulfil the prophecy and complete his heroes journey.

LUKE  
What?

QUI-GON  
We never doubted that Anakid would bring Balance to the Force.

LUKE  
Crap!

MACE WINDU  
Everything went according to plan, and I mean EVERYTHING.

LUKE  
Weak!

ANAKID  
Luke, thanks for helping, although I didn't really need your help. I waited for the right moment to kill the emperor and defeat evil.  
Too bad you got nasty with your own sister, or else you could join us here in Force-Heaven.

LUKE  
You've gotta be kidding me!

Leia runs over to Luke.

LEIA  
Wait! I'm not really Luke's sister!

LUKE  
Huh?

LEIA  
I am Princess Leia's royal decoy, her brave bodyguard, her loyal handmaiden, her perfect double, her obedient slave girl, her secret lover, every fanboy's fantasy, her unworthy spankable...

LUKE  
Yes, alright! I get the point!  
Where is the real Leia?

LEIA  
She is far away, somewhere safe.

OBI-WAN  
You must go find her, Luke. That is the way of the Sequels.

YODA  
Impossible, that is. Scrapped plans for Sequels, Lucas did.

LUKE  
Then what do I do now?

ANAKID  
There is only one thing for you to do, my son. You must spend the rest of eternity in the Expanded Universe Hell!

LUKE  
Noooooooooooo!

**THE END  
(ACTUALLY...TO BE MOST LIKELY CONTINUED IN A NEW VERSION)**


End file.
